Some guys believe that their penises are good enough to get us off all on their own. Wrong! If you’re dating a guy whose bedroom abilities are less than stellar, here’s how to get him up to speed on what you need.
Make sure he understands that good sex takes work. Many men in their younger years subscribe to a fantasy that their penis is a magic wand that conjures female orgasms. Eventually, though, most begin to understand the truth: sex is work—and this work involves a hell of a lot more than just in, out, repeat as needed. Once he really gets this, he can start doing his homework and putting in some serious effort. If you point out that you need more, the situation is nothing more than a matter of a learning curve.
Ensure that he’s truly opening to listening and taking guidance. Is he open to direction or does he just do his thing? The guy who’s willing and ready to let you guide him is a keeper. Sex is about openness and trust. If you can’t talk to him, the red flag is up and flying. If you aren’t happy and his technique involves very little beyond his gratification, you have to be honest and upfront about what needs to change.
Instill in him the idea that foreplay can’t be rushed. If he rushes through foreplay to get to the main event, you need to slow him down. This is the prime time to get what you need. However, you have to be open about that. If you know your body and you know what you want for your own satisfaction, be direct and tell him what you want him to do. Don’t turn into an instructor; this isn’t Sex 101 and you don’t want to kill or crush the mood. A guy with potential will take direction and relish in it. If he gets defensive, he doesn’t deserve the privilege.
Set the precedent that sex is a two-way street. If he won’t go down on you, why the hell should you do it for him? The guy who’s willing to work is really willing to work. No matter what it takes to get you there, he’s up for the task. If he refuses to reciprocate the favor, it’s time to kick him out of the bed. For many women, oral sex is a one-way trip (and sometimes the only ticket) to an orgasm. If everybody isn’t coming to the party, no one is.
Suggest trying some new positions. Some positions are awkward, but new positions also can lead to mind-blowing sex. Doing the same position every single time is boring and monotonous; he should have no issue at least listening to the idea of trying something new. If he freaks out on you, that’s not OK. If he still wants and demands the same vanilla sex and you’re not cool with that, it’s time to upgrade to a new flavor… and a new guy.
Set boundaries and make sure he respects them. We all have lines we won’t cross and things we just don’t like in bed. The good guys respect the boundaries and never even consider crossing them; there’s really nothing worse than the guy who’s seriously stuck in his sex routine and is in it for his own gain. If sex is all about him and he’s not listening to what you want—or worse, he tries to talk you into something he knows you don’t like—his sexual awakening isn’t happening. Get out now and don’t look back.
His ego needs to take a backseat in the bedroom. No guy wants to be told they’re terrible in bed, but giving him directions shouldn’t stop him in tracks either. The bedroom isn’t the place for salty egos. He should be able to leave his bad attitude on the floor with his clothes. All that ego is going to spoil the mood, not preserve it. If it’s keeping you from being happy, he’s gotta go.
Impart the idea that sex is mostly mental. Yes, sex is a physical act, but it’s mental too. Your head has to be in the game. Once the mind drifts, the mood is gone. If you’re not into it, he knows (or at least he should). He can and should feel the mood change and the fire dim. The guy who knows it and feels it also knows how to get you back. If you’re giving him the “dead fish” and he doesn’t care or notice, he’s in it for him. Nope!
Don’t let him finish until you have. The sex Olympian is the only one you want. He’s the one who will do anything to get you there. Ideally, this should be every guy, but we’re all not so lucky. This isn’t the guy who still believes his penis is magical; this one understands that he’s going to do whatever you need to see the stars. Once you find this one, you’re golden.
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