I Got Diarrhea On A First Date & Lived To Tell The Tale

There are a lot of embarrassing things that can happen on a first date, however, I’ve found that my certifiable embarrassing moment involved the unspeakable. I’m fairly good at handling myself in awkward moments but this time I was facing more than I could handle and learned that sometimes you just have to be flat out honest and hope you can laugh about it.

  1. It was his idea to go for Indian food. Who was I to complain? I enjoy it immensely and I’ve never once had any trouble after consuming it. I can handle most spicy food without much issue and there have only been a few times where the second I was dropped off at my door, I was in the bathroom. Unfortunately, on this fateful first date, I found out I wasn’t that lucky and the problem was going to have to be dealt with before I even left the restaurant.
  2. The evening started off as most dates do. We exchanged some background stories and flirted endlessly. I really liked this guy and I thought the date was going super well. The food was amazing, the conversation flowed effortlessly and I was almost certain there would be talk of a second date before the evening came to a close. He procrastinated asking for the check after we had finished and I took this as a sign that he wanted to stay there and chat as long as possible. I felt great and had no objection. This was the best encounter I’d had in months and it was about time I had a date in which I actually had a connection with.
  3. Unfortunately, that was about to be challenged. Though we’d finished eating a while ago, we were still throwing back glasses of wine when I started feeling my stomach growl. I chalked up to the mixture of alcohol and curry and decided to slow down on the drinking for the rest of the date, which was probably a good choice anyway.
  4. I know my body and I know when something isn’t right. I couldn’t shake the noises coming from my gut and I was truly hoping that the noise in the restaurant was enough to mask it. I’d already excused myself twice over the course of the evening because my bladder is small anyway and I didn’t want to have to go a third time—that might seem a little excessive. I decided to do my best to wait it out, secretly hoping that as well as the night was going, he’d be the one to say we were calling it a night.
  5. He seriously wouldn’t stop talking! Normally, I’d be elated. He was engaging and interested in anything I had to say, though my own discomfort was starting to cloud my ability to answer his questions in my most flirtatious way and I started worrying I was coming off short with him. I was actively trying to discreetly hold my stomach while smiling and laughing, but I was worried he was starting to see through my act. I guess I was wrong because he never stopped flirting back and I didn’t want to break the great conversation we were having because I had to poop.
  6. I had to let him know what was up. I finally realized that I had to own up to how I was feeling or there was going to be a disaster in the middle of a crowded Indian restaurant with any number of casualties depending on if I made it to the restroom or not. I had to be honest with a guy I’d only just met and hope that he wouldn’t completely write me off after this. I could tell he was easy going and a bit of a jokester so I was hoping for that to work in my favor. Either way, whether he was disgusted or not, I would have a great story to tell my friends. I just hoped it ended with him still wanting to hang out with me again.
  7. I got blunt about it. I told him I had to go to the bathroom right that second or else I was going to crap my pants. I figured there was no other way to put it, especially since I was nearly jumping out of my chair at that point. I didn’t even wait for his reaction. I was too humiliated and didn’t want to waste a single second. I bolted fast, and lucky for me the bathroom was completely empty. I made it just in time and was super grateful I didn’t wear anything too restrictive. My pants were around my ankles before my butt hit the porcelain and I was free to do what I needed to do to continue the evening, either alone or laughing with him.
  8. I was more than prepared to find him gone but much to my surprise, he was still sitting there. I figured at this point I had to own what had happened, so I simply returned to my seat across from him and exclaimed that I felt much better and now we could resume our date. I reluctantly made eye contact, nervous to see his reaction and I was met with the most genuine laugh I’ve ever seen another person engage in. He told me he admired the fact that I did what I had to do and didn’t worry about what he thought. He thought that was sexy. I will say, “sexy” was not a word I expected to hear after having gone through that, but I wasn’t about to contradict him. After that, we did decide to leave but not before telling each other how refreshing it was to not have gone on another “fake” first date. And, I did get that second date offer I was hoping for, so I have to say this was probably the best and worst first date experience I’d ever had.
jordan is a writer from salt lake city who enjoys a good steak, her dog, and conversations about how radiohead is awesome. she hopes to be a talking head on some VH1 pop-culture show someday and can curate a playlist for any occasion. when she grows up she wants to be an olsen twin.