I went on a first date with a guy and I could tell in my gut that he wasn’t right for me. There were a few things about him that didn’t feel compatible with my wants and needs and some quirky things about him that I wasn’t attracted to. This is all fine except that when I told him that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything further, he proceeded to tell me that he’s gotten the same response from multiple women and asked for feedback. Uh, what?
He put me in an awkward position.
I felt super weird when he asked me to do this. I hesitated about what to text back. I did the whole type and delete, type and delete thing. At first, I wasn’t sure if I should or shouldn’t give him feedback. He left me in a very awkward position! I wish he hadn’t asked me.
It’s not my job to offer feedback.
I hardly even know him. I mean, we went on a single date with each other. We spent one hour together. For me to then sit down and tell him what I think he needs to change would be outrageous. I guess it’d be different if there was something glaring like he was sexist or obnoxious or something, but he was just your average guy. I didn’t feel it was my place to tell him what he should change.
Part of me wanted to offer feedback, though.
There was a part of me that was like, “Hm, maybe I can do him a service by telling him everything that I think he should change.” This was definitely a fleeting thought that was immediately followed up by the reminder of,“Who do I think I am?” It’s ultimately not my place no matter how much I kind of wanted to play the role of fixer.
Offering feedback isn’t a kind thing to do.
Despite a small part of me that wanted to give him feedback, I knew that it wasn’t right. Telling someone that I know what’s wrong with them is just not kind. It’s cruel to think that I know what’s best and to inflict that on another person, even if they’ve asked. I just won’t do it.
There’s nothing wrong with him.
This is how I answered: I told him that the dating game often makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me, too. I went on to tell him that despite the feeling that he’s broken, there’s actually nothing wrong with him. He is who he is.
He just wasn’t for me.
There wasn’t anything wrong with him. I truly believe that we’re all children of the universe and we are who we are. It’s just a matter of compatibility and as we were on the date I was feeling like we weren’t compatible. That’s all. Nothing more and nothing less.
There’s someone for everyone.
I really like the saying “there’s a lid for every pot.” Maybe I thought he was awkward and it was unattractive, but someone else might find his awkwardness just right. Who am I to say that something I dislike is bad? There may be another person—his person—in the world who thinks he’s perfect just as he is. I believe that we all have people like this.
I’m not knocking change.
He’s perfect as he is… and he could use some work, as could we all. I think there’s always more work to be done on ourselves, so it’s totally fine that he’s looking to do that. He’s just looking in the wrong places. But, change is definitely still in the realm of good ideas for him—in my opinion.
I wish him the best.
As much as we had nothing in common and I found it super weird that he sent me that text after our date, I still wish him nothing but the best. I hope he finds that person who accepts him for who he is. I also hope he’s able to continue working on himself.
I wouldn’t want someone telling me what they didn’t like.
Despite the fact that he asked the question he may have actually regretted it once I started to tell him all the things that I think are wrong. Putting myself in his shoes, I wouldn’t really want to know what a stranger thought of me. He should be talking to someone who knows him better.
He should be asking his friends or a therapist.
If he really believes that he has things to work on in the context of dating or in general, he shouldn’t be looking for answers in someone he went on a single date with. Rather, he should be discussing the things he might need to change with a therapist or a close friend. He was asking the wrong person.
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