Don’t Go For The Guy You Have Instant Chemistry With—He’ll Probably Destroy Your Life

Chemistry is that evasive, unpredictable dream we’re all chasing. It’s the reason we’re on Tinder, talk to guys in bars, and agree to let our friends set us up. It’s not something that can be described in concrete terms–you just know it when you feel it. That’s why it’s so exciting when you meet a guy you have instant chemistry with, but it’s possible that guy might not actually be your soul mate. Here’s why:

You know nothing about him. It goes without saying that there’s no way you could possibly know a guy you just met. You can have your first impression, but even if it’s a really good one, there’s still a lot that could go wrong. The little details are what will really make you to fall for someone–not a vague feeling that may or may not be mutual.

That chemistry is also known as lust. Considering you barely know this guy, chances are that thing you’re feeling is based almost completely on physical attraction. That’s totally valid and worth exploring too but it certainly doesn’t guarantee you’re going to be perfect for each other. A mutual physical attraction can definitely lead to a lot of good times though–which has its pros and cons.

You’re not using common sense. Instead of getting to know him and building a new relationship logically, you’re letting your emotions make all your decisions for you. Granted, love isn’t exactly the most logical thing in the world, but you still have to be smart about not letting your feeling cloud your judgement.  If you’re so focused on the chemistry between you, then you won’t be thinking about the fact that maybe he’s not looking for a girlfriend.

You might be ignoring his bad traits. Chemistry has a way of taking over and making the red flags seem like not such a big deal. You start to think that you must be “meant to be” or else you wouldn’t have such an intense connection. Who cares if he doesn’t seem to have a job and he brings up his ex a little too much? You can’t throw away something that doesn’t come along very often because of little things like that. Except you probably should.

Chemistry is not the same as compatibility. Chemistry is a feeling that can’t really be nailed down or described. Compatibility is more about concrete things having the same sense of humor or similar vision of your future. Chemistry might be more exciting but it doesn’t help you maintain a long term relationship the way compatibility does. Ideally, you’ll find both some day, but don’t fool yourself into believing instant chemistry is a sign you’re meant for each other.

A relationship can’t survive on chemistry. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship that’s going to go the distance, you need a lot more than that initial spark. You need common interests and to share the same values. You should enjoy each other’s company and be willing to adjust and compromise to make each other happy. Those aren’t things that are guaranteed to follow from an instant connection. Those things take work. All you need is love is a nice thought, but it’s not exactly realistic.

It’s totally possible for that spark to be one-sided. Think about how many times you’ve gone on what you thought was a great date only to be completely ghosted by the guy. Maybe he’s just one of those charmers that every girl gravitates towards. You have no way of knowing if you’re special or not because let’s face it, even if he says and does all the right things, that doesn’t mean he’s doing it for any reason other than to get you into bed.

Some people just make really good first impressions. You probably don’t want to think that the feeling you’re feeling isn’t something special. But some people are just at their best when they meet new people. Maybe he’s in sales or he’s just a naturally friendly, easy to talk to type of person. What you think is chemistry might really be nothing more than a personality that makes people feel comfortable.

Chemistry could just be a strong reaction. That chemistry you feel when you meet someone new is exciting and out of the ordinary, but it’s not necessarily a positive thing. You’re so used to feeling ho-hum about everyone that you think this person must be something special–but what if they’re special in a “I didn’t know I was allergic to shell fish” kind of way. It’s different and noticeable, but definitely not in the way you want.

Sexual chemistry is addictive. Good sexual chemistry involves hormones and endorphins that can actually feel like a drug that you’ll do anything to get another hit of. Then after awhile you’re basing your decisions on how you feel physically rather than your actual emotions and what is good for you.

The end of the honeymoon phase will seem even worse. Every relationship eventually starts to get comfortable and somewhat predictable. It’s not new and exciting anymore so that chemistry doesn’t feel as intense. Even though it’s normal to get to that point, if the whole point of your relationship is based on something as evasive as chemistry, what will you do if it fades away?

You’re not giving other people a chance. If you’re so quick to judge someone based on whether there’s a “spark” or not, you’re probably not sticking around long enough to get to know anyone. You expect a connection to come easily rather than be something you have to build. Your expectations are so high that no one will ever meet them–at least not in a sustainable way.

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