My first relationship had some ups and downs but I figured that was just how love goes. I had no idea I was actually in an extremely toxic relationship until I met my current boyfriend. Here are some of the ways my current boyfriend has shown me how my ex got it all wrong.
- He isn’t friends with only all girls (Including his ex-girlfriends). My ex had a lot of friends who were girls. This may sound nice like he’s in touch with his feminine side or something but it was actually a mess. A lot of his so-called “friends” were women he’d slept with in the past. He would confide to them all of the intimate details of our personal relationship without my knowledge and never include me in these discussions. I also discovered he was in constant contact with most of his ex-girlfriends (which by the way, there were a LOT of). My current boyfriend is civil with his exes if they ever come his way, but he doesn’t feel a need to be buddy-buddy with them. He has a nice blend of female and male friends, all of whom I’ve become acquainted with (some have even become great friends of mine)!
- My boyfriend doesn’t need to know where I am at all times. My ex-boyfriend would call me constantly, paranoid that I was out somewhere cheating on him. He requested that we share our locations with one another at all times even though I found that to be a bit creepy. At one point, he even came to pick me up at a bar, claiming that the company I kept was too risque. My current boyfriend and I check in with one another during the day and then catch up on our daily activities in the evening. He doesn’t need to know my whereabouts at all times and I don’t need to know his.
- We actually trust one another. My first relationship was not built on trust. My ex was constantly worried I was going to leave him. He used to accuse me of some of the craziest things and even made me start to question my own character. He’d outright lie to me, even about little things, which made me question almost everything he told me. I always felt like I was on edge with him no matter where we were. My current relationship is entirely built on trust, and together we work hard to keep it that way.
- His happiness doesn’t depend solely on me. With my ex, I could never have a bad day. If I was having a bad day, I sure as hell couldn’t let him know about it. Frequently he would mention that I was the only thing that made him happy in life. He threatened to kill himself if I left him. This kind of pressure is absolutely obscene to put on anyone, let alone your partner. My current boyfriend and I have our own passions that make us happy. We’re not dependent on each other for happiness, we just simply enjoy being around one another.
- I don’t get drunk phone calls at 4 a.m. asking if we’re breaking up. My ex was out almost every night whether I was with him or not. I’m not a huge partier so I’d join him from time to time, but mainly he was either getting wasted with random people or solo on his couch. I’d wake up in the middle of the night to crying. Obviously obliterated, my ex would ask over the phone if I still loved him or tell me he did something terrible (he would never actually tell me what the terrible thing was, but I later found out he had been cheating). My current boyfriend and I go out together (and sometimes separately with friends—that’s healthy!) one or two nights a week. The rest of the week we’re home making dinner, preparing for work, or simply just living our lives and relaxing. There are never any toxic phone calls where we half break up or admit to possibly cheating.
- We’re both prioritized in bed. My ex never seemed too interested in whether or not I was getting off, he pretty much was always focused on himself. One time I remember him even making fun of me for something I did in bed. I started to feel almost turned off from sex because of this. My current boyfriend asks me what I want. Before we slept together for the first time, he asked me if I was comfortable with him and I almost laughed out of shock from his politeness—I was so not used to it. He always wants to make sure I’m happy and getting what I need in the bedroom and that feels amazing.
- Sometimes he just calls to say “I love you.” Corny, I know, but it makes me feel super loved. With my ex, there was always drama. Every phone call was filled with extreme emotions and or arguments. I had no idea that a relationship could make me feel so secure and simply happy. It might have taken a while for me to get here, but I finally feel like I’m being treated the way I deserve to be treated. I’ll never settle for less than that again.
