In life, we all make mistakes. That means that sometimes we have to cut people some slack and give them the benefit of the doubt because we know we’re human and no one’s perfect. That being said, we also have to learn from our mistakes and make sure that we don’t keep repeating them. Going back to someone who has repeatedly mistreated, hurt, or disrespected you over and over again is insane. Here are nine reasons your ex doesn’t deserve a second chance.
- He hasn’t earned it. Deciding that he’s sad and bored because you’re no longer together and he has no other options doesn’t mean that you should give your relationship another go. In reality, he’s done absolutely nothing to right the wrongs that led to your breakup and so by getting back with him, you’re sending the message that you’re willing to be a doormat and put up with anything. Don’t lower yourself to that.
- He’s ghosted you for an extended amount of time. People who ghost you are cowards. He wasn’t man enough to tell you what the deal was, so instead he just disappeared because it was an easy way out. If he comes back, feel free to hear him out because maybe he does have a legitimate explanation, but don’t go back to him. The window has closed. He’s already in the past.
- He broke up with you for shallow reasons. If he broke up with you because he thought you needed to lose weight, or maybe you were going through a rough patch and were in-between jobs, then he doesn’t deserve a second chance. Someone that truly cares about you wouldn’t leave you during times of struggle, he would support you. You want to be with someone that wants to stick it out through the good and the bad.
- You’ll never be able to relax with him. If he cheated on you, lied to you, or otherwise just abandoned you in your relationship the first time around, you’ll never feel comfortable and confident enough with him to actually just relax and enjoy the relationship. You’ll be in a constant state of anxiety wondering if the same thing is going to happen again, and no one needs to live like that.
- He left you for another woman. If he found someone else while you two were still together, then he clearly had a wandering eye and was not focusing all of his attention on you. It’s normal for guys to think another woman is attractive, but if he felt strongly enough to pursue someone else, then he’s not the one. This is one of the most obvious signs he doesn’t deserve a second chance.
- That other woman was his ex-girlfriend. We all have that nervousness and slight suspicion in the back of our minds when it comes to exes. Our worst nightmare is that he’s still in love with his ex and that one day, he might run into her and they’ll get back together. Unfortunately, that does happen in real life and when it does, don’t get back together with that guy if he’s trying to come back around again.
- He’s just using you as a rebound. If he broke up with you, found a new girlfriend, broke up with her, and he’s now coming back to you, then just walk away. He’s an ex, and he should stay an ex. Don’t even think about comforting him during his breakup – and by that, I mean physically or emotionally.
- He cheated on you multiple times. There are times when couples can move past infidelity. However, it does require a lot of work and you both have to be committed to making sure it doesn’t happen again. But if he consistently cheated on you multiple times throughout the span of your relationship, then have the self-respect to shut that door completely. As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
- He physically abused you. There is never an excuse for a man to hit a woman. If he has physically hurt you, then you need to protect yourself and just completely separate yourself from this person. No one deserves to be physically abused, no matter what the reason may be.
- He emotionally abused you. Emotional abuse can be just as painful, if not more, than physical abuse. Psychological warfare is possibly one of the most manipulative and tactical forms of defeating someone. If he constantly made you feel bad about yourself, hurt your ego, or was just plain mean to you, then do not let this person back into your life. There is no room for negativity. You want someone who will lift you up, not bring you down.
- He hasn’t changed. If there was one defining aspect of your partner that you just couldn’t deal with or handle, then please remind yourself that you cannot change people. We all hope that leaving the person we love will spark some kind of fire for them to change and be a better person for you, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Change comes from within. If he still hasn’t changed, then nothing you do will change him either.
- He shouldn’t have screwed it up the first time. He doesn’t deserve a second chance with you because he took the first one for granted. He was willing to behave in ways that ultimately led to the end of your relationship, so what makes you think he’s suddenly changed his ways? Don’t reward bad behavior.
If you think he does deserve a second chance
Obviously no one can tell you what decisions to make in your own life, but if you are going to get back with someone who wronged you previously, there are a few things you need to keep in mind.
- If nothing changes, nothing changes. If you give your ex another chance and resume your relationship exactly the way it was before you broke up the first time, you’re going to have a repeat of the same issues you had the first time around. It’s important that if you’re going to give things another go, you establish some healthy boundaries and expectations and hold your partner to them. That’s the only way you stand a chance of steering things on a different course this time around.
- Be prepared to have deja-vu. Failing the above, you’d better get used to having deja-vu because it’s going to happen a lot. You’re going to have the same fights about the same topics over and over again. You’ll find yourself getting frustrated and annoyed by the same behaviors he displayed the first time around and your dynamic will be just as dysfunctional. Are you sure you want to live like that?
- Your friends and family may not be happy about it. If the people closest to you noticed what a walking disaster your relationship with your ex was, chances are they were overjoyed when you broke up and definitely will think he doesn’t deserve a second chance. When you give him one, don’t be surprised if that causes a bit of discord in your relationships because of it. They’re not being difficult, they’re just looking out for you.
- You’ll have no one to blame but yourself if it all goes wrong again. That sounds harsh but it’s true. You’re the only one responsible for your life and what happens in it. If you’re prepared for that, if you can handle it, go for it.