He’s A Grown Man — You Can’t Fix Him And You Shouldn’t Have To

As harsh as it sounds, a grown man who needs to be fixed is not someone worth having around. Saying, “I can change him” isn’t optimism — it’s naivete. People are capable of changing and fixing themselves, but shouldering the burden of that mess is something you shouldn’t be involved in. Fixing a grown adult on your own is an impossible task, and you shouldn’t have to do it.

  1. Fixing a man is not your job. It isn’t really your place to tell another person how or why they should change themselves for you. If the two of you aren’t a good fit from the start, you won’t be a good fit six months from now or ten years from now. An adult who needs fixing is not your concern and is definitely not relationship material.
  2. You don’t need any more stress in your life. Everyday life is stressful enough. You have enough to worry about with work, school, bills, and supervolcanoes. Fixing a guy shouldn’t even be on your mind because such an endeavor is pretty much guaranteed to fail. Desperately clinging to a relationship that was doomed from day one isn’t worth the struggle.
  3. His BS shouldn’t overtake your life. If you constantly find yourself trying to fix the guy you’re with and solve all his problems, you’re probably getting buried under things that shouldn’t be your problem at all. Adults should be able to handle their own issues without ruining someone else’s life, and you don’t have to fix someone who’s incapable of that.
  4. It’s okay to be incompatible with someone. People are complicated creatures. Every single one of them has specific likes, dislikes, goals, and gross habits. Your qualities can easily clash with another person’s qualities, even if the two of you are decent, honest people. Incompatibility isn’t necessarily a sign that your boyfriend needs fixing; it may just be a sign that the two of you should go your separate ways. Not every guy you date will turn out to be a good match, and that’s okay.
  5. Why get involved with someone you don’t even like? You can’t possibly like a guy when you already have a huge mental list of things you plan to fix about him. Men aren’t projects that exist to satisfy your own endgame. If you don’t see a future with the exact person that’s standing in front of you, it’s unwise to get involved.
  6. Your love isn’t all-powerful. Feeling strongly towards a man doesn’t mean that he will magically become unbroken and open up to your attempts to fix him. Love is an intense emotion, but it won’t solve every problem you have just because it’s love. If a grown man has certain traits that are irreparable, your feelings are unlikely to fix them.
  7. Fixing is not the same as helping. A guy who wants to change has to do it on his own. You can be supportive, but trying to do all the fixing yourself isn’t going to help. You’ll just become an emotional crutch that he relies on too much to get through his day.
  8. Relationships shouldn’t be forced. You can’t shove two random puzzle pieces together when they aren’t meant to fit together that way in the first place. Relationships do take effort, but you shouldn’t have to fix a man up until he’s “passable” enough to fit into your life.
  9. You shouldn’t need to be fixed either. You shouldn’t use a relationship to help you limp in the general direction of the kind of person you want to be. Being a strong, stable person before you start dating someone will always have better results than two dysfunctional people playing house together. If you have so many issues that you find yourself sabotaging every relationship you get into, you should take it upon yourself to make some changes before you cause any more pain.
  10. Maybe he doesn’t even need to be fixed. When you have a set image in your head of how your ideal partner should be, you’re creating a set of arbitrary standards that may not fit the guy you’re currently with. Falling outside of your standards doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy who needs to be fixed. What you perceive as annoying flaws may be adorable quirks to another girl. Let him go and move on.
Lauren Clark is a writer and news curator based in Denver, Colorado with bylines here on Bolde and at Inside.com. While she’s vehemently anti-social media, you can find her on LinkedIn.