Dating Deja-Vu: How To Stop Dating the Same Guy Over & Over Again

Do you keep falling for people who can’t commit? Are you tired of dating dudes who turn out to be total players? If you’ve ever caught yourself saying, “Ugh, I can’t believe this is happening again. This is something I’d totally expect from my ex” – it’s time to listen up.

While there’s nothing wrong with having a “type” – we’ve all got one – if it feels like you’re continually dating people who disappoint you in different but ultimately similar ways – Houston we’ve got a problem. We all deserve to be happy and fulfilled in our personal relationships. However, serially dating the same kinds of toxic people won’t get us to that happy place. Feel like you are perpetually suffering from a case of dating deja-vu? This post is for you. Here’s how to stop dating the same kind of person again and again:

  1. Stop beating yourself up.“I should have seen this coming! Why do I keep dating losers?!” Sound familiar? It’s so, so, easy to blame yourself when things go sideways with that person you thought was so awesome. Here’s the thing: while it’s important to take ownership for your own actions, another person’s behaviour is not your responsibility. If someone chooses to act like a total player – that’s on them. You have the power to walk away, learn from your mistakes, and make a different dating choice in the future. Use it.
  2. Figure out why you’re attracted to these guys in the first place. It sounds corny, but the period that follows a break-up is the perfect time to do some soul searching. Play love detective. Examine your past dating choices. Figure out why you’ve dated the people you have and if there’s a pattern. For example, maybe you’ve always been attracted to bad boys because you crave more excitement in your life. Perhaps you continually date unavailable, commitment-phobes because you’re actually afraid of commitment yourself. Be brutally honest with yourself. If you want to start dating the right people, you need to figure out what lead you to the wrong ones in the first place.
  3. How do you want to feel in a relationship? No, really.  When it comes to dating, it’s so, so, easy to paint this picture in our mind of what the perfect partner looks like. Tall, blue eyes, beard? Check. Wears plaid and works at cool start-up. Check. Loves John Steinbeck and Tacos? Check. In fact, online dating websites are basically designed to help us find these specific, superficial traits. However, too often we get overly caught up in the who, how, where and when of meeting someone that we forget to pay attention to how dating someone actually feels in our heart and gut. For example, maybe that Taco-loving guy makes your heart go aflutter when you see him in his perfectly worn flannel, but when he never returns your texts on time you feel insecure and anxious. When you’re with someone new, be objective and ask yourself, “Do I feel safe and respected?” If the answer is no or just “some of the time,” give yourself permission to walk away.
  4. Act like a boss. Yes, all these players can make it feel like they’re running your life and draining all of your emotional energy, but guess what – you’re in charge. Yes, you’re the boss of your life. You get to decide who stays and who goes. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good and pay close attention to the ones who don’t. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them and press delete.
Simone is a freelance writer and author of the sexy and irreverent blog Skinny Dip. When she's not writing her heart out, she loves wandering her city with a large cup of coffee in hand, in search of the next great story.