It’s not something I ever expected would do it for me, but when my boyfriend and I had a foursome, I watched him have sex with another woman and it created some unexpected shifts in me. Here’s why it was such a game changer.
I learned that jealousy is optional.
The most unexpected part of this whole thing was that I felt zero jealousy. Despite suffering from crippling jealousy whenever I’d imagined my boyfriend with someone else, when it actually happened right in front of me, all I felt was curious excitement. It showed me that jealousy is a product of my perspective and it was entirely my choice whether I indulged it or not.
I discovered some new fantasies.
From that experience, I actually discovered a fantasy for cuckqueening—watching my partner have sex with someone else in front of me, usually with some aspect of humiliation involved. While I’ve never explored it in real life, it’s a fun fantasy to play with and one I might never have known about without this experience.
It was a bonding experience with my boyfriend.
I love to share intense and profound experiences with the people I care about because it always seems to bring us closer. This experience definitely ticked those boxes and it served to strengthen our relationship. We’d shared something new and exciting together and because it was somewhat taboo, we were co-conspirators as well as lovers.
I found a new level of trust.
There’s a lot of trust involved in risk-taking, especially in matters of love. My partner and I put so much trust in each other by sharing such a risk, as did the other couple in the foursome. Until that point, I’d never been so sexually vulnerable and it felt good to know I was in safe hands.
It improved my relationship with women.
For most of my life, I’d seen women as either intimidating or as competition. In this situation, I was wary of the other woman until I understood how much she cared about me. It actually improved my view of women immeasurably to have been so vulnerable and so safe at the same time. I knew she respected me, my boyfriend, and our relationship.
I realized that monogamy isn’t for everyone.
This was my first foray into non-monogamy and it opened my eyes to the possibility of alternatives. It was a crazy experience, to see my partner sleeping with someone else after having been with only me for so long. I was suddenly aware that there were other options and this experience eventually lead us to open our relationship.
I improved my communication skills like crazy.
Of course there were some insecurities that were awakened in both of us and we needed some hardcore communication skills to deal with them maturely and rationally. I learned how important it was for us to be completely honest with each other and to treat everything with love, care, and compassion.
It dispelled a lot of fears.
Having been haunted for so long by fears of inadequacy, of my boyfriend leaving me, and of being cheated on, I suddenly had this potentially disastrous thing happening right in front of my eyes. Much to my surprise, my boyfriend didn’t immediately run off with this woman and I realized that my fears were irrational. During the whole experience and throughout our conversations afterward, I was reassured that I had nothing to fear.
I realized sex isn’t such a big deal.
Having sex is just about as big a deal as you make it. My boyfriend sleeping with another woman could have been the worst thing to ever happen to me or it could have been a fun and exciting experiment and opportunity to experience something new. Guess which one I chose?
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