Some people are better at handling and expressing their emotions than others, but there’s no excuse for being a jerk about it if you’re not. A mature adult who cares about someone will make the effort to sympathize, empathize, and offer comfort to them when they’re upset. If you don’t — and if you find yourself saying any of these things — you’re clearly terrible with feelings and lack emotional intelligence.
1. “Just get over it.”
Saying this to someone who’s clearly upset or angry is basically like saying their feelings aren’t valid or important. Also, since when has telling someone to just “get over” whatever they’re going through ever worked? Pretty much never, I’m sure. If it was that easy, no one would ever get worked up about anything because they’d just think their way out of it.
Instead, try acknowledging what other people are going through. A simple “I see you’re upset, and that’s okay” can go a long way. It shows that you’re acknowledging their feelings even if you might not fully understand them.
2. “I really don’t see what the big deal is.”
You might not see what the big deal is, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. You’re not the judge and jury on human emotion, so the fact that you don’t understand sounds like a you problem. You’re clearly bad with feelings if you don’t get that. People are allowed to experience their emotions even if they don’t align with your ability to comprehend them.
When someone is sharing their feelings, try to see things from their point of view. You could say something like, “It sounds like this is really important to you.” It’s all about showing respect for their feelings, even if the situation doesn’t seem serious to you.
3. “I don’t do feelings.”
Ah, the classic emotion-avoidance line. Unless you’re a literal robot, you can’t not “do feelings.” They’re part of the human condition. You can have an avoidant personality type and try to pretend like your emotions don’t exist and aren’t important, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there. Not being good at something doesn’t negate its reality. (BTW, if you’re sick of dating people like this, you may want to check out our sister site, Sweetn. They’ve got some great advice and tips for attracting partners more on your level, emotionally and otherwise. They’re over here.)
Try to be more open, even if it’s just a little bit at a time. You don’t have to dive deep into heart-to-hearts, but showing some level of emotional openness can strengthen your connections with other people.
4. “Why are you crying? It’s not that serious.”
I’m not a crier, but I appreciate that a lot of people are and would never belittle them for it. You’re bad with emotions if you can’t cope with other people crying when they’re upset — sure, it can be slightly awkward if you don’t have any words of comfort to add, but sometimes all the person wants is to be heard and supported rather. By belittling their reaction, you’re proving you’re terrible with feelings and kind of a jerk.
If someone’s crying, give them a hug or even just be there with them. Sometimes, just sitting with someone in silence is more powerful than any words. (And since you seem to be bad of them, silence could be especially golden for you.)
5. “It could be worse.”
Listen, what you’re saying isn’t wrong, and a little perspective is necessary sometimes when you feel yourself spiraling. It helps bring you back into the present and to realize that the world isn’t ending. That being said, when someone is at the height of their emotional state, this is not want they want or need to hear. It’s dismissive, rude, and really annoying to hear.
Instead of trying to downplay their experience, acknowledge that they’re struggling a bit. A more helpful response might be, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. How can I support you?” Is that so hard?
6. “That’s not how I would react.”
©iStock/DragonImages
I mean… good for you? Who cares how you would react? Unless you’re being explicitly asked for your opinions, that’s not helpful, warranted, or wanted. Every single person is different, from their life experiences to how they process feelings. You’re obviously terrible at them, but how would you feel if someone said, “God, I wouldn’t be such a cold-hearted bozo if I were you.”
Instead, try to understand that everyone has their unique way of dealing with feelings. You might say something like, “I see this is hard for you,” which acknowledges their feelings without placing your own reactions as the standard. It’s actually pretty easy.
7. “You’re overreacting.”
Again, this is just another way to dismiss or belittle someone for reacting in a way that you wouldn’t because you’re terrible at emotions. Obviously, there are some people whose responses are over the top and not commensurate to the situation at hand, but again, you’re not the decider of that. Also, telling someone they’re overreacting is likely only going to upset them more, so this is a fruitless endeavor.
When faced with what seems like an intense emotional reaction, try listening to them instead of judging them. Let the person express themselves and try to understand their perspective. You don’t get to police their emotions.
8. “You should be happy.”
Oh, should I? Thanks for the note. You should also learn how to deal with people’s feelings so you don’t come off as an insensitive you-know-what. Do you think that people literally want to be miserable? That they want to cry, feel sad, be angry, etc? If so, you need to get a serious grip and see a therapist.
You should actually encourage people to express all of their emotions, not just the happy ones. It’s healthier to acknowledge and process them than to suppress them so they can pretend to be positive for your benefit.
9. “I don’t understand why you’re making a big deal out of this.”
Again, this is another sign that you’re the one with the issues with feelings rather than the person you’re saying this to. It’s all in the words themselves — you don’t understand. Instead of trying to shift the blame to the person who’s actually processing their feelings and responding to them. It may not be a big deal to you, but that doesn’t mean it’s not to other people. You’ll just have to accept that.
Even if you don’t understand why someone feels a certain way, you can still offer support. Acknowledge their feelings and offer to help or just be there to listen. It’s about showing care, even when you don’t fully grasp the situation.
10. “You’ll get over it soon.”
You might be right, but that’s not helpful in the moment. When you say this to someone who’s going through a tough time, it can sound like you’re brushing off their feelings as temporary or unimportant. Maybe you think this is a good way of being reassuring, but instead it just seems like you don’t want to deal with how they’re feeling now and are in a hurry for them to hurry up and move on.
Instead of minimizing their feelings with predictions about the future, acknowledge what they’re feeling right now. Be there for them in their current state and don’t try to rush the process. They’ll get there in their own time.
11. “Stop being so sensitive.”
Are some people too sensitive? Sure. Is pointing it out to them or telling them to fight against their internal nature and become a different person just because you’ve commanded it going to help the situation? Obviously not — get a grip. Also, again, you don’t get to decide what counts as “too sensitive” — someone reacting to something you don’t care about doesn’t make that true.
If you find someone’s emotions overwhelming, it’s better to address it with understanding. You might say, “I see this is really affecting you,” and try to gently steer the conversation towards how you might be able to support them or understand their perspective better. It would make a major difference.
12. “Stop being so emotional.”
Telling someone to stop being emotional is like telling them to be someone they’re not. Whether or not you missed the memo, having feelings is totally normal and healthy — just because you’re terrible at it doesn’t make it wrong.
Encourage people to express their emotions in a healthy way. Let them know it’s okay to feel things deeply. Understanding and acceptance go a long way in helping someone feel comfortable opening up.
Like what you’ve read? Follow Bolde on MSN for more!
