I’m Single Because I’m Creating Myself, Not Finding Myself

After getting out of a long-term relationship and deciding to be single for a while, I had a lot of people telling me that I was making the right decision because “it’s always good to take some time to find yourself.” While I support anyone’s personal goals, I had to disagree — my decision to spend some time as a single woman was much more motivated by my desire to create myself than to find myself. This is why I’ve decided to take all the time I need to stay away from the dating world and treat myself like a piece of unfinished art:

  1. I’m confident about who I am at this point in my life. I don’t feel like I need to find any of myself because I believe that I’m exactly where I need to be. Sure, I have a long way to go, but I don’t feel like I have any missing pieces that are going to magically show up just because I’m not dating someone.
  2. I know I still have so much to learn about myself and the world. I’m definitely a work in progress. I’m young, inexperienced in many of the ways of the world, and not afraid to say that I’m just getting started with life. I refuse to accept the idea that a more complete version of myself is somewhere out there waiting to be discovered now that I don’t have a boyfriend. That woman doesn’t exist — she hasn’t been sculpted yet, but one day she will be.
  3. Being in a relationship right now would only hold me back. The right partner will complement your life rather than slowing it down, but I’m not willing to put myself on the path to search for one right now. Even if that perfect person did come out of nowhere today, I’d still turn him down. I’m working hard to be the artist that I deserve, and if there’s even a chance that someone is going to get in the way of that, he’s going to have to be sidelined for a little while.
  4. I need to focus on my own work of art right now, not someone else’s. I have a healthy sense of tunnel vision at this point in my life. My dreams and goals are in my sights, and quite frankly, I need to be a little selfish to achieve them. When I’m in a relationship, I want to give the other person my all and help them work towards whatever they want as well. It would be unfair to both of us for me to put myself in that position knowing I couldn’t give everything my partner deserved. So for now, I’m just going to put all my ambition towards one person: myself.
  5. I want this part of my life to be a self-portrait. Eventually, I’ll be open to welcoming someone else into the picture, but now isn’t the time for that. I need to give myself the love and attention I deserve if I ever want to create a better version of myself down the road. In the past, I’ve spent too much time focusing on other people, and while I will always help my loved ones achieve their goals, I can recognize that I need some time to focus on myself as well.
  6. I’m not lost. This is who I am. Right here, sitting in plain sight. There is no part of me that is waiting to be unearthed or rescued. My fate is not sealed, and I don’t need to find out what it will be before I fall in love again. The person I am tomorrow or next week or a decade from now is going to be different from the one who is here today, but she was never waiting to be found. She will simply be a more refined, detailed version of the woman I am now.
  7. I embrace my incompleteness. The idea of being unfinished might be strange to some people, but I love it. It means that there’s always something about me that could be better, no matter how awesome I might already be. I’m fine with accepting that I need some time to be single and chisel away at those unrefined parts before being unveiled to a future partner. The idea of being a better, more accomplished woman in the future is exciting rather than discouraging, and I want to make sure that my next significant other sees the best edition of me that I can offer at that time of my life.
  8. I want to hold my own paintbrush. A good partner will help you on your personal journey rather than standing in your way, and I have definitely had boyfriends who have helped shape me into the person I am today. But this time, at least for a little while, I want to be the only person shaping my destiny. Anyone who wants to come along for the ride is more than welcome, but I really feel that having a boyfriend would only prevent me from putting forth all the effort required to create the person I want to become.
  9. I don’t want to be in a relationship until I’m content with what I’ve created. You’d never give a mediocre creation as a gift to someone you really care about — you’d want to show them what you could REALLY do and give them the best results possible. Similarly, if I’m going to commit myself to a real-deal relationship, I want to make sure that my partner is getting the best possible version of me. It may not be the finished product, but I want to be sure that I’m presenting the best version of myself to someone I hope is presenting the best version of himself as well.
  10. I have every intention of creating a masterpiece. I’m not just here to half-ass my life and fizzle out of existence. I’m aiming for the stars, and I refuse to settle for the moon. The person I’m creating is going to be one hell of a human being, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that. If that means spending a few years alone while I figure out how to go about it, then so be it. I’m happy enough with the person I’ve already sculpted that I’m not afraid of spending all that time by myself. Whether the completed work of art is happily single or happily married, she’s going to love the person she turned into, regardless of what it took to get her there.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.