I’m Totally Over You, But I Can’t Pretend You Mean Nothing To Me

I’m Totally Over You, But I Can’t Pretend You Mean Nothing To Me ©iStock/yulkapopkova

I want to erase you from my phone and from my memories, but that’s never going to happen. No matter what I do, you’re always going to be in my mind and in my heart. That’s why I can’t pretend you mean nothing to me.

  1. We both know the truth. Having a casual conversation with you about work or the weather makes me sick, because I know we’re both thinking about the last time we kissed. Why do we have to put on an act and pretend that we mean nothing to each other? We both know it’s a lie.
  2. I can’t force my feelings away. I’d like to get over you, but that’s not something I’m capable of — at least not right now. Right now, I’m crazy about you. You’re all I want and there’s no pushing away the ache in my heart that arrived after you left.
  3. I can’t lie to myself. If I wanted to, I could lie to my parents and my friends about how I feel about you. I could tell them that I’m completely over you, and if I put on a convincing face, they’d actually believe me. But none of that would matter, because I could never fool myself.
  4. You mean everything to me. How can I pretend that someone who once knew all of my secrets means nothing to me now? You’re always going to hold a special place in my heart. Even long after I get over you, you’re still going to mean the world to me.
  5. It’s not fair to either of us. You deserve to know how I feel about you, even if you don’t feel the same way. I’m not going to lie to you, because it wouldn’t seem right. I owe you the truth.
  6. I don’t care if I seem crazy. I’m not going to hide my feelings to seem sane. I’m allowed to tell you how I feel about you. I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but it’s the only way for me to get closure.
  7. Lying is too hard on me. The only thing harder than dealing with losing you is pretending that I never gave a damn about you in the first place. Believe it or not, it’s easier for me to cry over you than to talk to you like everything is A-okay. Lying about my feelings just makes the whole situation even harder.
  8. You’d see right through the act. Even if I did decide to pretend you meant nothing to me, you’d be able to tell I was lying. I’m not an actress. I love you, and there’s no way for me to hide those feelings.
  9. I don’t have the energy to lie. I’m not the type of girl who can be friends with an ex I still have feelings for. It would kill me to see you flirt with other women and brag to me about the dates you took them on. I can’t sit by and watch you move on while pretending I’m fine with it all.
  10. I’m not embarrassed about how I feel. There’s no reason for me to lie to you about how I feel about you. I’m not ashamed of it. You were worthy of my heart, even though you decided not to keep it.
Holly Riordan is a writer from Long Island, New York who has authored several science fiction and horror books. A graduate of Stony Brook University, she has spent nearly a decade writing for publications including Thought Catalog, Huffington Post, Teen Vogue, and more. You can find her on Instagram @hollyrio and Twitter @hollyyrio.