Just Because I’m Flirting With You Doesn’t Mean I Want To Sleep With You

Finding the perfect guy to flirt with can be so much fun, but some men just have to ruin it for everyone. These dudes think that every woman who flirts with them is actually trying to sleep with them, and when it doesn’t happen, they get pretty butthurt about it. I’ve been called a “tease,” a “slut,” and worse for refusing to hook up with a guy after an innocent flirty exchange, but if you try to pull that BS on me now, this is why I won’t be able to take you seriously:

  1. I’m flirty by nature. Most of the time I don’t mean anything by it, but it somehow ends up happening. It’s not even an attraction thing — it’s just a “me” thing. Sorry, but you’re not special for being on the receiving end of this behavior. You’re just getting a side of me that happens to come out when I’m around other human beings.
  2. I don’t owe you jack. My way of flirting is pretty innocent, but even if I were sending you dozens of eggplant emojis at a time, it still wouldn’t mean I was obligated to do anything with YOUR eggplant. You’re a serious a-hole if you get mad at me because you interpreted my casual flirting as a guaranteed sign that I was going to get you laid. No matter what I say or how I act around you, it doesn’t mean that I’m under any unspoken contract to suck your penis later on.
  3. Part of the fun of flirting is the lack of commitment. It’s hot without being too steamy, and it’s cute without being too romantic. If we had to date or hook up with every person we flirted with, we wouldn’t do it nearly as often. By implying that I’m a bitch for not wanting to “follow through” just because I laughed at your dumb jokes and winked at you from across the room, you’re sucking all the fun out of what makes flirting so enjoyable in the first place.
  4. I’m picky AF about who I hook up with. I don’t exactly hold a job interview for every person I have sex with, but it’s pretty damn close. If you think that I give oral to every guy I’ve ever sent a winky face to, you’re in for a disappointment. Your qualifications for getting naked with me are going to have to be a little more impressive than “reacts positively when a woman playfully squeezes his arm.”
  5. I would never expect you to sleep with me just because you were flirting with me. I’ve met some super hot, super sweet guys who I would abso-freaking-lutely sleep with if given the chance, but I would never expect it from them just because they told me a few things that made me smile. I hold myself to the same standards to which I hold others, so if I expect you to let me get my flirt on and then be on my merry way, I’m not going to pout if you want to do the same.
  6. I’m not a tease, you’re just entitled. There’s a big difference between hoping a girl will sleep with you and expecting it. If you get your tighty whities in a bunch just because our flirty text message convo didn’t end with me in your bed, that’s not my fault — it’s your own flawed belief that women should only be able to exchange playful banter with a guy if they intend to “do something about it.” If you’re that kind of person, please let me know right off the bat so I can make sure to avoid you like the plague on society that you are.
  7. I know when to draw the line. I may be a natural flirt, but I have my limits. I would never hit on a guy in a relationship, and I would never imply that I was going to sleep with someone if I didn’t actually want to. If you misread my signals, that’s on you. I know the difference between a bit of light flirting and blatantly coming on to someone, so don’t try to pretend that you thought I was trying to take you home when I clearly had every intention of sleeping alone tonight.
  8. If I really want to sleep with you, I won’t be subtle about it. I’m a big fan of clear communication, especially when it comes to sex. Trust me — you WILL know if I want to sleep with you. I’ll probably just say it outright, actually. If you have to search for hidden meanings in my sentences, create flowcharts, and look up my zodiac sign to figure out if I want to sleep with you or not, I’ll make things easier for you: I don’t.
  9. Do you really expect to have sex with every woman who flirts with you? Because that must be exhausting. I can only imagine how fed up I’d get if I expected to get naked with every guy who flattered me, only to discover that just a very small fraction of them actually wanted the same thing. Spare yourself the confusion — if I or any other woman start flirting with you, take it at face value, appreciate it for what it is, and move on when it doesn’t go any further.
  10. If you think I’m leading you on, you have no idea what that actually means. If I stick my hand down your pants, put my tongue in your mouth, and ask you if you’d like to bend me over your kitchen table in twenty minutes, THEN you can be a little bitter when I reveal that I’d been planning on going home and watching Netflix by myself the whole time. But casually flirting with someone isn’t even close to the same thing as leading them on. If you think that’s what I’m doing when I decline your offer to head back to your place, you’re in for a rude awakening when a different woman actually does it to you.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.