Narcissists feed off the attention and admiration they get from other people — it’s their drug. It’s what keeps them going and makes them feel important. Not only that, but it’s how they’re able to mask their crippling insecurities and fuel their egos. Control and manipulation are an essential tool for a narcissist’s survival. The ability to control the people and realities in their world allows them to preserve their sense of self and superiority. When a narcissist feels that control slipping away, it’s common for them to resort to outright lying to regain control. Here are some of the common lies narcissists might use to manipulate situations in their favor.
1. “You can’t do anything right.”
By criticizing your actions and behaviors, especially when they don’t lead to perfect results, the narcissist can start to gnaw at your self-worth. Their goal is to make you feel less confident in yourself and your judgment so that you start to look to them for approval. They want you to feel like you’re not worth much so that you think they must really love you or that they’re doing you a favor by wanting you in their life.
2. “We want the same things.”
Narcissists usually exert their behaviors on those closest to them like their siblings, children, parents, coworkers, or romantic partners. As a result, they get to know their victims pretty well. They know your desires, weaknesses, and aspirations, and they won’t think twice about using them to manipulate you. They’ll lie and make grand promises about all the great things you could do together or with their help just to keep you from letting go.
3. “You’re making a mistake.”
One of the tactics that narcissists use to undermine their victims and reaffirm their own superiority is gaslighting. They’ll flat out deny your version of events and refuse to take responsibility for wrongdoing or their involvement in any conflicts. This creates a pattern where you or other people start to question your decisions and perceptions. Now, all the narcissist has to do to trigger these feelings of self-doubt when they start losing control over you is to suggest that what you’re planning to do is not the right option.
4. “They’re the terrible and unstable person, not me.”
Sometimes, when a narcissist feels like they’re losing ground, they’ll try to prepare for the aftermath by launching a smear campaign against their victim. They’ll start spreading lies about you to make it seem as though you’re the one with problems. This way, if you decide to expose their behaviors to people, they’ll assume you’re being spiteful and have a harder time getting them to believe you. This allows the narcissist to stay in control of the narrative and maintain their faux innocence.
5. “I’ll change, I promise.”
The promise of change is the narcissist’s favorite lie to tell. You’ve been trying to get them to see the error of their ways and stop treating you like crap for months with no luck. But, the moment they suspect that they’re about to lose you or something valuable, they’ll immediately shower you with apologies and promise to turn a new leaf. Once the danger passes and they’re back in control, they’ll go back to the same old toxic behaviors.
6. “No one else will love and understand you like me.”
It’s in the narcissist’s best interests to make themselves the center of your world because it allows them to control you more effectively. It also makes it harder for you to imagine a life outside of them. To achieve this, they might isolate you from friends and family and try to convince you that you’re too broken or complex or special for anyone else to appreciate. So, you better stick with them unless you want to go through life alone.
7. “What you’re saying didn’t happen.”
When you start catching on to their patterns, a narcissist will typically resort to denying your reality to maintain their hold on you. They’ll deny, deny, deny when you call out their behaviors. It doesn’t matter that you can clearly remember them calling you names five minutes ago, they’ll insist you’re lying or misrepresenting what they said. Offering evidence will not make them change their tune, they’ll just keep twisting the facts to make you appear crazy or too sensitive.
8. “Things will get better, I promise.”
This lie involves making promises about the future to keep you invested. A narcissistic boss may assure you that a big promotion or raise is coming, so you stay instead of handing in your notice. A narcissistic partner may say they’d go to therapy and work on their issues if you don’t give up on them. However, the narcissist usually has zero intention of making good on the promises. They’re just dangling the carrot of hope and saying what you want to hear so you give them another chance.
9. “You’re telling lies.”
Narcissists are masters of projection, so don’t be surprised when they call you a liar, even though they’re the ones with a track record of lying frequently. They may claim that you’re dishonest, accuse you of cheating, spreading rumors about them, or hiding details about your activities out of the blue, so they seem like the innocent, aggrieved party. They might even wait until when you bring up their misdeeds to paint you as a liar, shifting the conversation to you and forcing you to defend yourself.
10. “I miss you so much.”
If you manage to break away from a narcissist, they might try to sneak back into your good graces by lying about how much they’re missing you. Maybe a part of them does truly miss you, but remember that what they miss the most is the attention and ego-boost they get from dominating your life. They’ll try to remind you of the beautiful times you had and how much you meant to each other to suck you back in.
11. “I’m not to blame for what happened.”
“It didn’t happen. If it did, it’s not as bad as you say. If it was, then it’s not my fault. If it’s my fault, then you must have misunderstood what happened, If you didn’t, then you did something to warrant it because I would never do or say such a thing normally.” This is pretty much the kind of false logic that narcissists will spin to evade accountability and make their mistakes or problems anyone’s fault but theirs.
12. “I’m the real victim, not you.”
When a narcissist starts to lose control, they may react by creating a situation that allows them to play the victim to control the narrative or gain sympathy. If they can’t set off a chain of events where you come off as volatile or aggressive, they’ll simply lie by claiming it was you who did the things you’re accusing them of. They may even own up to what they did but justify it by accusing you of doing something similar or worse to them.
13. “I’m doing this for your benefit.”
You see, narcissists have an exaggerated belief in their own intelligence. They like to think that they know you even better than you know yourself. However, their interest in knowing you is just an excuse to gather intel they can use to manipulate you later on. When their control starts to wane, the narcissist may take drastic actions to sabotage you and pretend that everything they did was for your own good.
14. “I never lie, so why would I start now?”
The narcissist not only excels at lying to others, they’re good at lying to themselves too. They’ve made up so many lies about themselves and the motivations for things they do and told them over and over that it now rings true to them. This is why they can look you in the eye and declare that they’re exceptionally honest and have never told a lie. They’ll lie about never lying, with a feigned sincerity that will have you questioning your reality.
15. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
The messy thing about dealing with a narcissist is that they don’t display their toxic patterns right away. At the beginning of the relationship, they’ll love bomb by saying things that draw you to them and make you feel special. They’ll do things to get you to bond deeply with them. Then, when they lose control of you, they’ll try to overwhelm you and thwart your flight responses by saying endearing things. But remember that while their declarations of love may sound true, their actions don’t lie. Believe their actions.
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