Why You’re Still Single, According To A Matchmaker

As a matchmaker, I spend hours every day talking to people about their past relationships and their current dating lives. Through my work, the things women do to sabotage their chances at finding love have become blatantly clear. If you’re still single, you’re probably doing at least one of these things.

You haven’t done the work. One of my favorite question to ask singles I work with is, “How have you prepared for a relationship?” Often, they just stare at me blankly and have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m a matchmaker, not a fairy godmother; if you want a relationship, you have to be willing to do the difficult work to prepare yourself emotionally for full intimacy with another human being. If you’re unsuccessful in finding love, stop what you’re doing right now and instead invest your energy into becoming the best version of yourself. Maybe you should start working out or doing yoga, maybe you need to start seeing a therapist. Whatever you do, your energy is better spent on self-improvement than endless swiping and disappointing almost relationships.

You have a laundry list of unrealistic expectations. Women often come to me with a huge laundry list of things they’re looking for. While I encourage women to know their value and keep their standards high, a list of superficial qualities your mate must have is a surefire sign that you’re self-sabotaging and not actually open to love. Your standards should mostly have to do with compatibility and how you want to be treated. Obsessing over the superficial just shows you have an immature outlook towards love and intimacy.

You aren’t Ms. Right. When men and women come to me with a long list of attributes they want their partner to have, the first things I have to ask is, “OK, but are you these things too?” Make a list of the qualities your ideal mate has. If you don’t have those same qualities, it’s time to reexamine your desires or put a pause on dating while you work to improve yourself.

You’ve lost your passion. While women often tell me an exact dollar amount they would like their partner to earn, men usually say, “I don’t care what she does, as long as she’s passionate about it.” If you hate your job, this is seriously going to stand in your way of finding love. No one wants to be with someone who complains about their job constantly or always comes home from work drained. Passion is sexy; burnout is a major turn-off. Men also tend to want someone who has passions outside of her work as well. If changing your job right now isn’t an option, you can at least start exploring new hobbies that truly feed your soul.

You tolerate BS. When you start dating someone new, you should have zero tolerance for bullsh*t. If a guy blatantly disrespects you, that’s it—do not pass go, do not collect $200. It’s game over for him. If you’re constantly making excuses for a-holes you date, it does two things. For one thing, it demonstrates that you don’t value yourself. Not only is that unattractive, but it invites other people to take advantage of you. Also, putting up with BS is draining. Date enough jerks for long enough and you’ll end up totally burned out on love with low expectations that end up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Dating apps are your crutch. There’s no question that dating apps can help you meet people you wouldn’t ordinarily run into, but the ease of swiping can easily become an addictive crutch. It’s actually really hard to find love on dating apps because the ease creates a mindset where people can be replaced in an instant when things aren’t going well. Plus, you can never really be sure someone you match with really wants a relationship. If you’ve been on dating apps for months or even years, it’s time to hit the pause button and start meeting people IRL. Join a meetup group, go up to that sexy stranger at the coffee shop, go to more concerts. Do anything that gets you in front of real humans that share your passions, if only to push yourself outside of your dating comfort zone.

You don’t masturbate enough. There’s nothing sexier than a woman who is comfortable in her own skin and who knows what she wants in bed. How do you get there? Masturbating. A lot. Every day, if possible! And don’t treat it like a chore. Get creative, explore your fantasies, and definitely invest in a few high end vibrators. Did you know there are vibrators that simultaneously penetrate while simulating oral sex? Get on it, girl, because you can’t attract love until you’re madly in love with yourself.

You’re afraid of intimacy. People have hundreds of Facebook friends but few people in their lives they can really count on or connect with. It’s just a fact of human evolution that humans are a tribal species. That means we have a deep inner craving for intimate relationships but little experience in our modern lives that teach us how to cultivate and manage a healthy level of intimacy. I constantly have clients tell me they’re lonely and their friendships just aren’t satisfying that need, but once they get close with a great match I’ve set them up with, I watch them run away or sabotage in some other way. Before you have a healthy relationship, you need to get really comfortable with intimacy. That means building up your existing relationships and learning complete acceptance. Volunteer work can really help you get comfortable with seeing people at their worst or most vulnerable.

You’ve given up. How many times a week does someone (male or female) tell me they’ve given up on love? So many. A buttload. If you don’t believe love is out there for you, you’re never going to find it. No perfect person is going to come rescue you from your own self-defeating mindset. Plenty of singles don’t even know that they’ve given up on love, so if you’ve suffered past disappointments in the relationship sphere and haven’t found lasting love since, it might be time for some introspection.

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