Maybe I’m Boring, But I’m Not Interested In Trying These 13 Things In Bed

I don’t care if I sound like a prude—there are some things I just don’t want to do in the bedroom. Here are 13 sexual activities I just don’t get the hype about and won’t be trying anytime soon:

  1. Butt sex. At first, I was intrigued by the idea of butt sex but then I started reading articles about it and realized it sounded really painful, even with a lot of lube. It makes sense that a lot of dudes are so into it because they don’t have to feel the discomfort. Unlike the vagina, the anus can’t stretch. I’ll just leave you with that.
  2. Rimming. The idea of licking and kissing my partner’s anus is a scary one. I’m too much of a germaphobe to do anything like that, even after a thorough cleaning with antibacterial soap in the shower. I don’t want him to give me a rim job either—it makes me feel awkward AF. Who comes up with this stuff in the first place?
  3. Auto-erotic asphyxiation. Getting choked or strangled during sex is thought to heighten erotic feelings and orgasms. I imagine it just boosts adrenaline because you feel like you’re being killed and want to GTFO, but that’s just me. I want gentle, pleasurable sex without pain, thank you very much.
  4. Threesomes. If my partner had to seriously suggest a threesome, I’d seriously suggest he gets a new girlfriend. I’m sorry, but I just can’t imagine how bringing another person into the bedroom is going to be pleasurable for me. I can’t see how emotions like jealousy and insecurity aren’t going to come into play. The only “big O” I’ll experience is the, “Oh my gosh, I feel so insufficient.”
  5. Being tied up. I can sort of understand how a loss of control can feel sexy, but I’m quite afraid of it. I don’t like the idea of being tied up and not being able to do what I want to do at any given time. I’m freaking out just thinking about it!
  6. Weirder sex online like Hentai and furries. I’m all for watching sex movies with my boyfriend, but if it starts to get weird, I’m out. I’m talking people dressing up as cartoons, for instance, or people finding clowns sexy. WTF? How is that a turn-on?
  7. Using mirrors. I don’t think it’s sexy at all to have a mirror on the ceiling so I can watch myself having sex. I won’t find it a turn-on because I’ll be too busy wondering why I look like a frog during the Reverse Cowgirl position or noticing new stretch marks on my thighs. Ugh.
  8. Making a sex tape. If there’s anything I learned from the Kardashians, it’s that you should never make a sex tape because you don’t know where it can end up (also, lip fillers can go awfully wrong). I’d be too worried that the sex tape will accidentally get uploaded to Facebook for my grandmother’s friends to see. Nooo! Anything can happen with technology. It’s too much of a risk.
  9. Shower sex. It sounds really sexy in theory: warm water splashing, slicked bodies, a small space in which to pleasure each other… wait, that’s actually a problem. There’s not a lot of space in a shower, which can make it awkward and uncomfortable. Plus, getting water in my eyes while I’m trying to pleasure the guy just sounds like an annoyance. Did I mention my hair gets really big and fuzzy when a drop of water gets onto it? I think I’ll stick to showering alone.
  10. PeggingAnother sexual trend involving butts, pegging is when a woman wears a strap-on and penetrates her boyfriend. I cringed while writing that, so how on earth could I ever actually do it in real life? It would just feel strange, plus it’s all for the guy’s pleasure so there’ll be no fun in it for me.
  11. Speaking like a dirty sailor. I’m all for dirty talk in the bedroom, but there’s a line I don’t want to cross. If I have to refer to myself in dirty terms or tell my partner what the pleasurable things he’s doing to me feel like in crude language, I’ll start to feel really stupid or laugh. Both are guaranteed to kill the mood.
  12. Using complicated sex toys. When did sex toys start looking like painful, disturbing objects? I don’t want to end up in the emergency room and have to explain what that thing is. I also don’t want to use something during sex that looks too complicated, like we need to refer to a manual or something before we can get started.
  13. Sex on the first day of my period. I’ve had sex during my period, and it was fine. But on the first day? Hell no. Not only does it feel gross because it’s—excuse the pun—a bloodbath, but periods are painful AF. There aren’t just the cramps to deal with, but headaches, muscle aches and bloating which doesn’t make me feel attractive at all. Seriously, the last thing I want to do is get naked with Aunty Rosie.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.