If you’re dealing with a narcissist, arguments are a minefield. Narcissists are master manipulators who will twist your words, play the victim, and make you question your own sanity. To keep yourself sane and protect your emotional well-being, here are some things you should never say to a narcissist during an argument.
1. “You’re being unreasonable.”
This phrase is a surefire way to make a narcissist defensive and escalate the argument. They’ll take it as a personal attack and double down on their behavior. Instead of labeling their actions, focus on expressing your own feelings and needs calmly and assertively, Mayo Clinic suggests. Try saying something like, “I feel frustrated when my concerns are dismissed. I need to be heard and respected in this relationship.”
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2. “You’re overreacting.”
Minimizing a narcissist’s reaction with this phrase will only make them more upset and angry. They’ll accuse you of invalidating their feelings and use it as proof that you’re the problem. To de-escalate the situation, use a neutral statement like, “I can see this is a sensitive topic for both of us. Let’s take a step back and discuss it when we’re both feeling calmer.”
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3. “You’re being ridiculous.”
When you ridicule a narcissist’s behavior or opinions, they’ll see it as a direct attack on their fragile ego and lash out in defense. Instead of dismissing their perspective, try to find a kernel of truth in what they’re saying and build on that. Say something like, “I can understand why you might feel that way. Can you help me see it from your perspective?”
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4. “You’re being irrational.”
Labeling a narcissist’s thought process as irrational will only make them more determined to prove you wrong. They’ll take it as proof that you’re the one who’s being unreasonable and use it to justify their own behavior. Focus on finding a solution that works for both of you by saying something like, “I know we both want to resolve this. What can we do to find a compromise?”
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5. “You’re being selfish.”
As PsychCentral notes, selfish people are pretty easy to spot thanks to their overtly self-centered attiude and actions. However, pointing out a narcissist’s self-centeredness won’t make them change their behavior. In fact, they’ll probably take it as a compliment. Express your own needs and boundaries instead. Say something like, “I need to feel like my needs are being considered in this relationship. Can we find a way to balance both of our wants and needs?”
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6. “You’re being manipulative.”
Accusing a narcissist of manipulation will only make them more determined to manipulate you. They’ll find new ways to twist your words and control the situation. Protect yourself and set clear boundaries by saying something like, “I’m not comfortable with where this conversation is going. I need to take a step back and regroup. Let’s talk again when we’re both in a better headspace.”
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7. “You’re being controlling.”
Pointing out a narcissist’s controlling behavior won’t make them loosen their grip. They thrive on control and will only hold on tighter. Assert your own autonomy and independence instead. Say something like, “I appreciate your input, but I need to make my own decisions. I’ll take your perspective into account, but ultimately, it’s my choice.”
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8. “You’re rarely wrong.”
Reinforcing a narcissist’s belief that they’re always right will only feed their ego. They’ll use it as proof that they’re infallible and everyone else is wrong. Focus on finding a mutually beneficial solution by saying something like, “I know we both have strong opinions on this. Can we find a middle ground that works for both of us?”
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9. “You’re always the victim.”
When you accuse a narcissist of playing the victim, they’ll use it to absolve themselves of any responsibility and blame you for everything. Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings instead. Say something like, “I’m sorry if I’ve done something to hurt you. Can you help me understand what I can do differently in the future?”
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10. “You’re so sensitive.”
Dismissing a narcissist’s feelings by calling them too sensitive will only make them more defensive and angry. They’ll accuse you of being insensitive and cruel. Validate their feelings while still standing your ground. Say something like, “I can see this is a sensitive topic for you. I want to understand your perspective, but I also need to express my own feelings and needs.”
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11. “You’re so defensive.”
Calling out a narcissist’s defensiveness isn’t going to make them stop — it’ll make them double down on their knee-jerk reactions. They’ll see it as an attack and lash out even harder. Create a safe and non-judgmental space for both of you to express yourselves by saying something like, “I know this is a tough conversation, but I want us both to feel heard and respected. Can we agree to listen to each other without getting defensive?”
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12. “You’re so entitled.”
Narcissists see their entitlement as a right, not a problem, so pointing it out isn’t likely to encourage change. Set clear boundaries and expectations instead. Say something like, “I understand you have certain expectations, but I also have my own needs and limitations. Can we find a way to respect both of our boundaries?”
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13. “You’re so arrogant.”
A narcissist is proud of their arrogance and sees it as a strength. Attacking their ego won’t humble them. Find common ground and mutual respect by saying something like, “I know we both have strong personalities and opinions. Can we find a way to respect each other’s strengths and work together towards a common goal?”
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14. “You’re so insecure.”
BetterHelp notes just how difficult it can be to deal with insecure people, but there are certain ways you should handle the situation. Pointing out a narcissist’s insecurities isn’t something that will go down well. They’ll deny it vehemently and turn the tables on you, accusing you of being the insecure one. Build them up in a genuine way instead. Say something like, “I know you have a lot of great qualities and accomplishments. Can we focus on those and find a way to work through this issue together?”
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15. “You’re so immature.”
Attacking a narcissist’s maturity level will only make them act more like a petulant child. They’ll throw a tantrum and prove your point, but it won’t get you anywhere. Model mature behavior yourself instead. Say something like, “I know this is a frustrating situation, but I want to approach it in a calm and rational way. Can we take a break and come back to this when we’re both in a better headspace?”
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16. “You’re so critical.”
A narcissist won’t become less critical if you call out their critical nature. They’ll keep criticizing, but louder and harsher. Express your own needs for positive feedback and support instead. Say something like, “I appreciate your feedback, but I also need to hear what I’m doing well. Can we find a balance between constructive criticism and positive reinforcement?”
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17. “You’re so impossible.”
When you call a narcissist impossible, they’ll take it as a sign that they’ve won and double down on their impossible behavior. Focus on finding a way forward that works for both of you instead of giving up. Say something like, “I know this is a challenging situation, but I believe we can find a solution if we work together. Can we brainstorm some ideas and find a compromise that meets both of our needs?”
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