There’s nothing quite like a new crush to really bring out the crazy in you, but you’re not the only person who slowly goes insane when wondering if the object of your affection shares your feelings. Don’t worry, ladies — we men deal with some pretty ridiculous thoughts when we get a new crush, too:
Does she like me?
Probably not. She’s amazing — why SHOULD she like me? Do you think she knows that I slept with a nightlight until I was ten? Probably. I really don’t think she likes me. But maybe she does. I should just ask her. Just kidding, I’m not that brave.
She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.
No one else even compares. She does this thing with her hair and it’s just like, ‘Whoa’. Whenever she walks into a room you can basically feel every single guy do a double-take at once. How does someone even get so beautiful?
Everything she does is outrageously adorable.
Have you seen how she holds a mug of coffee? I literally can’t even. It’s so delicate but firm – how do you even hold a mug of coffee so adorably? Have you seen her handwriting? It’s feminine but also so clear and clean and flowing! I wish she would write me a note while holding a mug of coffee.
I wonder what she was doing four years ago?
Better check Facebook. Also Instagram. Is her Snapchat story public? Better go see. Whoa, who knew she went to Thailand in 2009 and liked Aerosmith in 2005? Should probably go listen to them now so we can relate to each other even more. She’s a professional – where’s her LinkedIn?
If she talks to me, I’m screwed.
Quick quick quick! Think of something to say just in case she talks to you. I should probably just prep whole conversations between us. The best remedy for nerves is preparation, right? Not that it’s going to make a big difference anyway — I’m still going to screw it all up.
There’s no possible way she likes me.
It’d be amazing if she did, but she definitely won’t. Should I play hard to get? What does that even mean? Should I confess my undying passion for her? No, she’ll think I’m a stalker… or she’ll be flattered? She doesn’t like me anyways, so it probably won’t even matter.
She complimented this shirt once, so it’s now my most prized possession.
I will only hand-wash it from now on to make sure that’s it never, ever changes. Maybe it should be dry-clean only… no. They might lose it, and then she’ll never love me. Maybe I should just lock it up in a safe for the rest of eternity.
DO NOT TOUCH HER.
If you accidentally touch her, your heart will literally explode and she’ll know that you like her. AHHH! Her hand brushed yours in the elevator! What could it mean? I know — I’ll over-analyze it for the next six hours. I’m sure to come to a completely logical conclusion like that.
When did my arms get so long?
I’m pretty sure that I share more DNA with chimpanzees. Maybe I should alert the archaeological community, because I’m pretty sure I’m the Missing Link. Do you think she likes the gorilla look? My eyebrows are also a really weird shape, now that I think about it. And have my two front teeth always looked that awkward? I used to think I was a fairly handsome dude, but comparing myself to her, I’m not so sure now.
She’s not coming.
She’s one whole minutes late. I knew it. It was a setup. Okay, how can I make a graceful exit without the entire restaurant turning around and ridiculing me? Maybe I can ask the waiter and see if I can sneak out the back. But then I’d have to tell th— oh. There she is. I knew she wouldn’t stand me up. She’s too angelic for that sort of thing.
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