We often resort to people-pleasing behaviors without even realizing we’re doing it, probably because we want to be liked (and we don’t want to cause drama). However, moving your own wants and needs to the back burner to keep other people happy and avoid rocking the boat will inevitably lead you to feel burnt out, resentful, and just kinda miserable. If you’re guilty of any of these behaviors, stop ASAP!
1. Saying “yes” to everything
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You know your schedule is full and you really can’t fit more in, but someone asks you for a favor and you feel obliged. This definitely backfires eventually because you can’t keep up pleasing everyone with all the stuff they want from you, even the laid-back social stuff that’s supposed to be fun. Sometimes you need a rest, and it’s important to tell people this and schedule those in for yourself.
2. Making excuses for people’s bad behavior
You probably find yourself making excuses for them instead of calling them out for something they did wrong. It keeps the peace in the moment, sure, but in the end, people will just end up being mad at you for justifying someone’s bad behavior and letting them get away with it instead of calling them out like you should.
3. Always saying “sorry”
You apologize for everything, even when you haven’t actually done anything wrong. Eventually, people will expect an apology from you because they’re so used to it even though they may be the one in the wrong. That, or when you do mess up, your apology will fall on deaf ears since you’ve given so many that they don’t believe it’s genuine. Stop saying “sorry” when you don’t actually mean it, and stop using it as a barrier for the real conversation that needs to be had.
4. Putting other people’s needs before your own
Looking out for everyone else is a nice thing to do at times, but it is also the quickest way to make sure you feel drained and resentful. Your needs are just as important as everyone else’s, so it’s important to recognize that and voice it. Otherwise, no one will go out of the way to make sure you’re okay and they’ll continue doing what suits them best.
5. Needing praise from people
If you constantly need validation and for someone to tell you you’re doing a good job, this is definitely a problem. You should feel proud of yourself without other people’s input all the time, especially because when it doesn’t come for some reason, you’ll be left feeling inadequate and like there’s something wrong with you when there’s really not.
6. Agreeing with everything everyone says
Some conversations will always be uncomfortable, especially when they’re political, religious, or about any taboo topic. Simply going along with what everyone says in order to make sure they’re comfortable and avoid causing an argument is not the way to go, especially when you strongly disagree with what’s being said. You need to speak your truth in order for people to know what you really think. Remember, these people may not like you for saying something, but they’ll respect you.
7. Mirroring people
Instead of being yourself and risking the chance that someone might not like you, you’re molding yourself to fit in with people you probably don’t even like. Maybe you’re dressing like them, speaking like them, or pretending to have the same interests that you’re not really feeling. This will erode your sense of self and make it difficult to remember who you are when these people are no longer around.
8. Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings
Someone feels upset, and you’re worried you’re to blame (or that it’s your job to fix them). Taking on other people’s feelings is a trap that will burn you out in the long run not only because it’s impossible to change someone’s emotions, but also because it’s not your job! You have to take a step back and allow people to take responsibility for their own lives.
9. Avoiding conflict at all costs
You would rather say everything is fine when it’s not than confront what’s really going on. This will only lead to a meltdown that will leave people confused when you just can’t push down your true feelings anymore. Instead, you should be communicating honestly about what’s going on so that you can figure out ways to fix it.
10. Getting people to check your work/messages
We all ask for advice from friends and colleagues about text messages and emails that need sending. We want to set the right tone and get what we need out of the exchange, but constantly asking others to check things for you means you don’t have faith in yourself that you can do a good job and do hard things. In the long run, this leads to a serious lack of confidence rather than the knowledge that you can handle it.
11. Not setting any boundaries
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Everyone needs to set boundaries so that other people know and understand how to treat them. This could mean no phone calls after a certain time of the day, not working weekends, or not sleeping with someone on the first date. When no boundaries are set, people will walk all over you without hesitation since they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.
12. Failing to delegate tasks
Delegating tasks could involve assigning colleagues work or asking for help in your personal life. Either way, you’re avoiding giving anyone any work to do because you think it will put too much pressure on someone else. Instead, you’re taking on the burden of everything, which is not only draining but downright impossible.
13. Failing to be vulnerable
Sometimes we need to break down, cry, rant, or even shout for joy when things are finally going your way. People pleasers will minimize their feelings to make sure other people feel comfortable around them, rather than letting people know what is really going on in their lives. This will backfire when there’s an explosion of pent-up feelings that were there all along with little understanding from other people because you never told them about it.
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