You know that feeling when someone does something so weird or frustrating that you start questioning everything, even yourself? Ugh, it’s the worst. But before you go down that rabbit hole of self-doubt or have a total meltdown, take a deep breath and step back. Then ask yourself these questions before you let anyone make you feel crazy — chances are, you’re definitely not!
1. Am I being gaslighted?
Gaslighting is an all too common manipulation tactic where someone tries to convince you that your memories or reactions aren’t “normal” or rooted in reality. Are they twisting your words, denying things happened, or making you question your memories? If you suspect gaslighting, document the incidents: write down what was said, the date and time, and how it made you feel.
2. Is this behavior a pattern?
Is this the first time they’ve done this, or does it feel like part of a larger pattern of confusing or undermining behavior? Consistent patterns are more likely to be a tactic than a one-time misunderstanding. Trust your instincts—if something feels consistently “off,” there’s probably a reason.
3. How does this behavior make me feel?
Pay attention to your emotions. Do you feel confused, anxious, angry, invalidated, or scared? Your feelings are valuable clues about whether this is a healthy interaction. Don’t minimize your emotional reactions; they’re your internal alarm system that will loudly warn you when something is wrong.
4. Can I express my concerns directly?
If you feel safe doing so, calmly explain to the person how their behavior makes you feel. Can they listen and try to understand your perspective, or do they get defensive? Their reaction to being confronted with your feelings will give you valuable insight into the type of person they are (and whether you should stick around).
5. Are they projecting their own flaws?
People who blame other people for their problems often accuse you of exactly what they’re guilty of. Are the accusations they’re leveling at you reflective of their own behavior? Consider the possibility that their attacks reveal more about THEM than they do about you.
6. Do they respect my boundaries?
Healthy relationships have boundaries. Do they push past your limits, ignore your requests, or pressure you to do things you’re uncomfortable with? People who don’t respect your boundaries don’t respect you, end of story.
7. Is their story consistent?
People who deliberately twist the truth often have some pretty major inconsistencies in their stories. Do the details change, or do they give wildly different explanations depending on who’s listening? Pay attention to discrepancies because they’re clues that the person might not be reliable or truthful.
8. Do I feel heard and understood?
In a healthy relationship, you should feel like your partner listens to you and validates your feelings, even if they don’t always agree. Do they dismiss your concerns or make you feel small? A lack of empathy and genuine listening is a major sign of an unhealthy dynamic that you shouldn’t put up with.
9. Do their actions match their words?
Talk is cheap. Are they all promises with no follow-through, or do they apologize but then repeat the same behavior? Trustworthy people demonstrate consistency between their words and their actions. Observe their behavior closely because it will tell you what you need to know.
10. Do they take responsibility for their actions?
Everyone makes mistakes. Do they own up to their missteps, or do they make excuses and/or play the victim? A lack of accountability is a red flag. Mature, healthy people take responsibility for their actions and their impact on the people around them.
11. Am I walking on eggshells?
Do you feel like you constantly have to censor yourself or avoid certain topics to prevent them from blowing up or shutting down? This is a sign of an emotionally unsafe dynamic. You deserve to feel comfortable expressing yourself without being scared of their unpredictable reactions.
12. Am I constantly questioning myself?
If a relationship makes you doubt your own perceptions, judgment, and sense of reality on a regular basis, it’s definitely time to take a step back. You should feel confident in your own experiences and interpretations, not constantly second-guessing yourself.
13. Does this person make me feel good about myself?
Healthy relationships support our well-being and build us up. Do you feel drained, insecure, or depleted after spending time with them? Pay attention to how your overall sense of self changes when you’re around them. If you find yourself feeling terrible whenever you’re together, that’s a clear sign there’s a major problem.
14. Do other people see this pattern too?
Talk to trusted friends or family members. Do they see the same behavior you’re noticing? Do they have concerns about how this person is treating you? Outside perspectives can be really valuable, especially since they can be more objective. Don’t isolate yourself; other people may help you see things more clearly.
15. Am I willing to accept this behavior?
Ultimately, you get to decide what you’re willing to tolerate. Can you envision a healthy, happy relationship with this person if their behavior doesn’t change? Be honest with yourself – hoping someone will change is rarely a recipe for a healthy relationship.
16. Am I getting the support I need?
Dealing with this kind of manipulation can be emotionally draining. Are you taking care of your own physical, mental, and emotional health? Reach out to friends, family, a therapist, or even support groups if needed. You don’t have to go through this alone and you definitely shouldn’t.
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