11 Red Flags The Person You’re Dating Isn’t Actually In Love With You

Some people find it hard to say the first “I love you.” For others, it’s almost part of the script. Your partner might be saying all of the right things, but are they actually in love with you or just stringing you along? Here are some of the red flags that this relationship doesn’t contain a whole lot of love.

  1. They’ve stopped texting you in the mornings and at night. Back when the relationship was new, they made sure to check in every morning and at night. It wasn’t much —  just a kind text or two. But all of a sudden, they’ve flaked. And if you text them and ask them about it, they either leave the text on read or say something like, “I didn’t realize we were attached at the hip.” Don’t let them make you feel bad about it. They’re just showcasing that his feelings aren’t as strong as you were lead to believe.
  2. They dodge all of your family events. If your family is a little dysfunctional, it makes sense that it might not be your partner’s top choice. But if they love you, they’ll accompany you. That’s just what good, loving partners do — they acknowledge that the moment isn’t about their own wants and needs, but the wants and needs of their partner.
  3. You’ve seen them check out the Instagram feeds of other men/women— repeatedly. They have a right to have other friends, but if they’re lingering on someone’s sexy beach photos or commenting on them with heart eyes, that’s disrespectful to you. Someone who loved you wouldn’t want you to think that they’re straying or cheating. They’d probably react negatively if the roles were reversed, so why are you letting them get away with having a wandering eye?
  4. They’ve lied to you. There’s no excuse for adults who lie to their loved ones about serious (or, even not-so-serious) issues. Whether they downplayed the intensity of a past relationship, or simply told you that they’d be up for a date night before ghosting you for something else — someone who loved you would feel guilty if they told you something that wasn’t honest. Plus, most adults should know by now that their lies will catch up with them later and have an even bigger impact.
  5. They’ve never apologized. All couples fight, but if you’re constantly taking the blame just to make things better again, they’re not growing in the relationship. But even worse, they’re completely fine with having you take the heat every time. A guy who cared about you wouldn’t let you carry the burden from every fight. Sure, maybe you overreacted, but unless they also take some responsibility for what went wrong, you’ll constantly be having the same fight.
  6. They dropped the “L” bomb very quickly. And it may have been to tempt you into having sex with them. Sometimes, people amp up their love and affection at the beginning of courtship because they know that plenty of women dig romance. So if you heard lines like, “I feel like you’re my soulmate” and “I didn’t know what love was until I met you” during date two or three, you were probably conned. This isn’t the first time your person has used those lines.
  7. When you first met, they seemed too good to be true. Nobody’s perfect. And if this person really busted out the charm, paid for dinner, and was kind and courteous during those first few dates, they might be someone who’s just into the thrill of the chase. If a lot of those behaviors died down when you became official (or hey blamed a personality shift on something like job stress or family pressures), it’s possible they just got bored of you and is on the lookout for the next girl. Sure, personality changes can happen within a relationship, but nobody goes from massively in love to treating you like a doormat overnight.
  8. They get uncharacteristically mad at you if you forget to do something. It’s great to have a schedule you can follow, but sometimes you might forget about picking up a prescription or making sure the recycling went out on the right day. For your partner to be bummed about this one-off forgetfulness makes sense, but if they treat you as if this was your job and expresses disappointment, they don’t see you as a romantic partner — they see you as a servant.
  9. They’ve downplayed your relationship. Even though you were fairly sure they’re your official partner, you’ve heard them introduce you to others as their “friend.” It’s mortifying and will make you feel horrible inside. They might make excuses as to why they “demoted” you in public later, but the truth is that they’re not into you and are keeping their options open.
  10. They’re not that worried about having a different future plan than you. They’re into traveling and sightseeing. That’s OK, but you’re more of a homebody who’s looking forward to establishing herself somewhere and perhaps starting a family. There’s nothing wrong with having different goals, but there is something wrong if your partner fails to see it as a problem or obstacle. Either they assume you’ll just give up your plans and go along with them, or they know you’re not going to make it long-term.
  11. They talk about their ex — a lot. All of us have some sort of history or baggage. But eventually, feelings from past relationships wind down. If your partner is still comparing you to their ex or saying that their ex treated them better, they’re not over their ex. You’re just the placeholder they’re using to try and move forward. Until their feelings resolve, they’re not going to put time and dedication into your relationship. Even if they want to love you, they can’t if they’re still in love with someone else.
Karen Belz is a New Jersey native who is currently living in Maryland. She has a Bachelor’s Degree in Speech Communication with a focus in Broadcasting and Print Media Studies from Millersville University of Pennsylvania. Since graduating, she has written for sites like LittleThings, HelloGiggles, and Scary Mommy and is currently an e-commerce editor at Bustle.

When she's not writing, she enjoys making her phone run out of memory after taking too many photos of her dog. You can find her on Twitter @karenebelz or on Instagram @karenbelz.