My Self-Worth Doesn’t Depend On Guys Wanting To Sleep With Me—It Comes From Within

I used to base my self-worth on how many guys wanted to get me in bed. The more admirers I had, the cooler and hotter I was, right? That was so wrong. It took me years of dating and lots of heart-to-heart conversations with friends until I figured it out. My self-worth doesn’t depend on guys wanting to sleep with me—it comes from within.

  1. Basing my worth on men is incredibly destructive and irrelevant. Men liking me is a completely external factor that doesn’t affect my self-worth in any way. It took me forever to realize that how men see me is irrelevant. Depending on others’ opinions is always a bad idea. I’d never be good enough if I tried to please every stranger. Instead, I’m focusing on my strengths and working on loving myself as I am.
  2. A guy can’t determine my worth because he’ll never know me like I know myself. Being insecure and basing my value on men wanting to sleep with me, I wasn’t able to let my guard down and let guys get to know me. This was messed up because, on one hand, I wanted them to like me. On the other hand, I played roles and wasn’t being myself in front of them. Even if men did like me, it was because of my games. The real me was never allowed to come forward and that nearly destroyed me.
  3. Guys come and go but self-love is forever. Self-love is something that should be nurtured from within. Guys come and go all the time, but what I have is myself for life. This is the most important relationship I need to focus on, and let the right guy come to me once I’m ready to embrace myself and have a mature relationship.
  4. Self-worth helps me choose the guys I date, not the other way around. If I don’t know my value, I’ll end up going with every single guy who asks me out. Sure, there might be one good one in the pile but that would be out of a dozen. It’s not that guys determine my worth, it’s that my worth determines what guys I go out with. With my best interest at heart, I have to know myself super well and then evaluate guys. Otherwise, I risk selling myself short.
  5. Insecurity attracts toxic guys and sociopaths. Unfortunately, there are way too many terrible guys out there who would gladly take advantage of insecure girls. Basing my self-worth on men only attracted sociopaths and other toxic men who enjoyed preying on my lack of confidence. Once I realized my own value, I was able to tell bad intentions right off the bat and run.
  6. I’ve slept with too many guys for the wrong reasons and it made me feel empty. Thinking that my self-worth depended on sex, I had a lot of it with many different guys. In the end, it did not increase my self-worth but made me feel empty instead. Sex might have helped increase my self-esteem for a second but it wasn’t a good long-term strategy. It was like chasing the dragon—there was never enough and it helped less and less every time.
  7. It takes time to realize self-worth and it’s okay if you don’t know how to determine it. Realizing and accepting my self-worth wasn’t something I was magically able to make happen by just snapping my fingers. In fact, it took years. I spoke to friends, went to therapy, dated a lot and then stopped dating altogether. It’s okay to take all the time necessary to understand why I’m good and why men have no say in it. Rushing to have sex as a self-affirmation is a terrible idea.
  8. Ever since I realized my self-worth, I’ve only met good guys. Yes, there is a correlation between the level of my self-esteem and the type of guys that I meet. The lower my self-esteem, the crappier guys I date. The moment I realized that my self-worth had nothing to do with the number of guys who wanted to see me naked, I limited myself to only going out with the intelligent, successful, nice guys. My dating life improved dramatically. I’d rather have one great guy than ten jerks running after me.
  9. Guys wanting to sleep with me often means nothing—they’re just horny. I used to think that guys who wanted to sleep with me really did it because I was hot. Sadly, at one point I realized that they were just drunk and horny. Even if there were three guys fighting over me at the bar, that had nothing to do with my self-worth. In fact, all that I got from these situations was a false sense of confidence and self-esteem which didn’t last long and even worse, made me act all cocky.
  10. Basing my self-worth on the number of guys who wanted to sleep with me was a turn-off for those same guys. Contrary to what I thought, the guys who wanted to get with me didn’t think I was sexy because I was in demand. In fact, one guy admitted that he thought I was kind of a jerk and insecure for basing my value on some random guys. I felt super embarrassed and knew it was time for soul-searching.
Dayana is a passionate traveler who's been navigating foreign lands and confusing relationships since she was 16. You can read more of her work on Matador Network and her blog, Dee Across The Sea.