We all swore we’d never become our mothers, and yet somehow, those cringe-worthy phrases and behaviors start creeping in as we age. If you find yourself doing the following, it might be time for a self-check before you start asking for the manager and hoarding napkins!
1. You have a designated “yelling spot.”
Maybe it’s the top of the stairs for optimal acoustics, or the kitchen doorway for dramatic effect. When you find yourself claiming a specific spot to berate your kids/partner/dog, the transformation is well underway. Try mindful breathing (Positive Psychology has a good guide on how to get started) and a change of scenery to avoid channeling your inner Momzilla.
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2. Everything was better “back in my day.”
Music, kids, prices at the grocery store… it was all superior in your youth. Newsflash: You sound old. Every generation says this, so embrace change instead of harping on how things “used to be.” Your kids will be saying the same thing about how much cooler things were before brain-chip implants.
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3. Unsolicited advice flows freely.
You can’t help but tell complete strangers the ~right~ way to load a dishwasher or how their kid is going to catch a cold in that outfit. The urge to dispense your life wisdom to everyone in earshot is a major mom-warning sign. Unless someone specifically asks for your opinion…keep it to yourself.
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4. Embarrassing stories are your go-to.
Every childhood mishap is comedy gold to you now. Recounting diaper blowouts or tantrums in front of your kids’ dates/friends is a power move worthy of any seasoned mom. They’ll get you back someday. It’s the circle of life.
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5. Your purse contains a survival kit.
Band-aids, tissues, hand sanitizer, random snacks… you’re prepared for anything. (If you’re not, Ready.gov can help you get there!) Even if you haven’t had a kid in the house for years, the emergency preparedness instinct is ingrained. At least you’ll always be the hero when someone has a hangnail or needs a mint.
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6. You’ve perfected the disappointed sigh.
Words aren’t always needed to communicate your displeasure. The disappointed sigh that could wither houseplants speaks volumes. Bonus points if you can pair it with a head shake and a muttered “bless your heart.” Remember, you catch more flies with honey sometimes. Or…something like that.
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7. You hoard takeout condiments.
That drawer overflowing with soy sauce packets, unused napkins, and plastic silverware? Classic mom move. You might never use them, but the potential of needing them justifies the clutter. Try donating unused extras or just tossing them to minimize the sauce packet avalanche.
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8. You threaten to turn the car around.
Even if there’s nowhere to turn around, the phrase itself strikes fear into any child’s (or misbehaving adult’s) heart. The ultimate power move when bickering threatens to ruin a road trip. Consider alternative de-escalation tactics for your own sanity.
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9. You police the thermostat like it’s national security.
Anyone who dares touch the thermostat without your approval faces your wrath. You know the ideal temperature (68 degrees Fahrenheit, obviously), and any deviation is a personal affront. Invest in cozy sweaters because the thermostat wars never end.
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10. The phrase “wait until your father gets home” has crossed your lips.
This is the ultimate threat, even if Dad is the softest marshmallow of a person. There’s something about invoking this boogeyman of parental justice that strikes terror. Try actually communicating about the issue at hand instead of weaponizing Dad.
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11. You’ve mastered the guilt trip.
Phrases like “after everything I’ve done for you…” or “I never got to do [insert activity] when I was your age…” are your secret weapons. Inducing guilt ensures compliance, even if it’s begrudging. Remind yourself that your love shouldn’t come with strings attached, even if the occasional guilt trip is incredibly effective.
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12. You critique driving skills without being in the car.
You become a psychic backseat driver, somehow knowing the speed limit on streets you’ve never driven and sensing a failure to signal from miles away. Your commentary on a passenger’s driving is relentless. Maybe invest in some noise-canceling headphones for your own sanity.
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13. You can’t resist commenting on people’s weight.
Whether it’s “you’ve filled out” or “looking a little thin there…” weight fluctuations apparently warrant public announcements. The audacity is truly astounding. Unless someone asks for your thoughts on their physique, kindly keep them to yourself.
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14. Strangers’ children are fair game.
You offer parenting advice to frazzled parents in the grocery store, coo over babies, or discipline unruly kids that aren’t even yours. Boundaries? Never heard of them. Focus on your own life; everyone else’s parent/child dynamic is none of your business.
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15. “Because I said so” is your go-to explanation.
This is the final word, the trump card, the end of all discussions. While sometimes necessary, overusing this phrase shuts down healthy communication and teaches kids/partners to obey rather than understand. Try offering age-appropriate explanations when possible. You might be surprised how often it diffuses a standoff.
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16. You find yourself obsessively cleaning things nobody else notices.
A stray fingerprint on the fridge door, dust on the baseboards, crumbs in a crevice…it all becomes a personal affront. Suddenly, you spend hours cleaning things that only you care about. Channel that energy into a relaxing hobby instead, and accept that “lived-in” isn’t the same as “filthy.”
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17. You loudly proclaim you don’t care what people think…while clearly caring a lot.
Outrage over minor social slights is your new pastime. The audacity of that neighbor parking slightly on your lawn, or someone wearing white after Labor Day – it’s simply unacceptable! Pick your battles wisely. Not every annoyance is worth getting worked up over.
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