If He’s Still Friends With His Ex, He’s Never Going To Be My Boyfriend

I know exactly who I am and exactly what I want in life in general and in love in particular. I’m a strong and confident independent woman… and I just can’t be with a man who remains friends with an ex. Here’s why:

  1. I’d always wonder if there were still feelings there. I should be able to feel secure in my own relationship, but I never will if the past is constantly looming over our heads. It’s possible to have feelings for more than one person at one time — trust me, I’ve been there. I’m ready for something serious, though; something real. If he really wants to love me then he needs to give her up.
  2. I know I couldn’t handle being friends with one of my exes. Not a single one. I don’t hate them, but I had feelings for them and I can’t pretend like the relationship never happened. We loved each other emotionally and sexually and that’s something I could never forget. We can’t be friends. The only thing we can be now is exes, and in my opinion, that’s the way it should be.
  3. I don’t think I could ever trust him. I don’t care if the man I’m with has female friends, but exes who are still a vital part of his life is a whole different story. I don’t want drama and I have no interest in a love triangle no matter how entertaining they may make it seem on TV. I want to be able to trust the man I’m with and if he’s hanging out with a woman he has a sexual or emotional history with, that’s something I can’t forget.
  4. I get jealous. I’m only human, after all. I think that jealousy is a natural emotion. If I’m really into a guy then I’m going to get jealous from time to time and I’m sure he will too. I think a healthy amount of jealousy is normal or else you don’t really care about each other. If they had a relationship, even if it was long ago, I’m going to get jealous because if he loved her once, he has the potential to love her again and I’m not sticking around for that.
  5. I want a man who’s dedicated to our relationship. She’s his past, but the real issue here is whether or not he wants me to be his future. I don’t want to be with a man living in the in-between. I don’t want him to keep someone around as his backup plan or think of another woman as “the one that got away.” If he’s with me then he needs to be all-in and that means leaving his exes behind.
  6. I want to be the love of a man’s life. I feel like having the presence of a past love would overshadow that. That’s just my personal opinion. I want to be his one and only. Having friends who are women is fine because they’re just friends. I don’t see exes as just friends, though. At some point in his life he loved her, and at this point he loves me. I don’t want to become just another girl on a long list of women he’s loved. I want to be the love of his life and that means there’s no room for his past loves to remain a part of his life.
  7. I’m not good at getting over people. If I really want to get over a guy then I need to cut him out of my life. That might sound harsh, but it’s true. As long as someone I have feelings for remains in my life, those emotions won’t die. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, for me feelings don’t just fade.
  8. I don’t want to even know his exes. I don’t want a relationship with a woman who’s had a relationship with my boyfriend. I don’t want to swap horror stories. I don’t care about her perspective on their fights or their sex life. I think the whole idea of meeting or knowing your boyfriend’s ex is just plain awkward. My relationship with him should be completely separate from her.
  9. I would never know how she feels. What if she’s still in love with him? Not only would that make me worry about the security of my relationship, but I’d also feel bad for her. I don’t think it’s healthy to pine after an ex. The best thing for both of them to do is to move on without each other.
  10. If he wants a life with me, then he needs to give up the life he had with her. I know what it’s like to have an ex. I know the love that was declared and the promises that were made. Most exes planned a life together and a breakup is supposed to end those plans. So if he really wants to live a life with me, he has to move past the life he dreamed of with her.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.