Is He Only Texting You When He’s Bored Or Lonely? Here’s How To Tell

Is He Only Texting You When He’s Bored Or Lonely? Here’s How To Tell ©iStock/demaerre

Texting can be a great way to get to know a guy you’ve met online before a real-life meeting, but it can also show you where his head’s at after you’ve started dating. If he’s always firing up your phone with texts and wants to have interesting conversations, it’s a way of showing his interest in you. But if he’s only texting you because he’s bored and lonely, it will show in other ways. Here are just a few signs to look out for.

  1. He’s a vampire texter. The guy sends you texts at night, usually around bedtime, but then never really texts during daylight hours. Either he’s got insomnia and is bored as hell so he texts a fellow night owl (that he seems to think is you) for entertainment, or more likely he’s got booty calling on his mind.
  2. He’s the king of charm. Don’t just check the quality of the guy’s texts, but also how he opens up a conversation with you. Is it always a flirtatious comment or compliment to you that gets things going? Maybe he’s just looking for some screen love to give him a bit of excitement.
  3. He never wants to turn texting into actual plans. Even if his texts are amazing and he likes chatting to you because he does it all the time, you can tell if he’s just bored or lonely by noting if he ever suggests meeting up in person. Come on, after all that texting, he should be dying to touch and kiss you in real life! If he’s hiding behind the screen of his phone a little too much with no RL plans to get together, it’s too convenient. He doesn’t have to do much (like put on pants) and he can have a virtual relationship with someone awesome to make him feel good. Can you say creepy?
  4. He initiates conversation but goes AWOL in the middle of them. If might be a good sign that he wants to have conversations with you on a regular basis, but not so much if he keeps disappearing during the chats. It makes you think he’s only keen on chatting with you to fill a gap in his day or until something better, or more interesting, grabs his attention.
  5. He disappears for days or weeks. For days and weeks, the guy will be sending you loads of texts. Then suddenly he’ll disappear and not even reply to yours. It seems you’ve been benched until he needs another shot of attention. If he’s not constant with his texts, it could point to him just chatting when he needs the distraction from his lonely, boring existence. Then, when his life and love department have picked up, he’ll take himself out of the picture again.
  6. He texts but without saying much. Is there anything more annoying than those basic texts that span multiple hours but leave you feeling unsatisfied? If a guy’s interested in you, he’ll show you that interest by asking you lots of questions and having deep conversations via text. If he’s not that keen, he’ll be lazy about his texting. It’s like he’s just popping in to say hi and making the minimal effort required to get his chat fix before darting away again.
  7. His texts are drunk. If the guy’s got great spelling and grammar skills but all too regularly his texts are all over the place with lots of errors or they just don’t make sense, you could have a drunk texter on your hands. He’s probably drunk and horny at home after a crappy night out, hoping you’ll give him some attention. Ugh.
  8. He doesn’t have many friends. It’s no wonder he’s bored or lonely if he has no friends. If he’s new to town, a bit shy, or generally just struggles to make social connections, it makes sense that he’d feel at a bit of a loss sometimes. While there’s nothing wrong with reaching out to have a chat, if he’s using you as a scapegoat for the fact that he’s not getting out of the house and actually trying to form friendships and other relationships, you deserve better.
  9. He expects an immediate response. If he texts you, even if it’s just to ask “what’s up?” as it often is, he gets bent out of shape if your response isn’t pretty much immediate. He’s not above sending another message with “hello????” or just a bunch of question marks. It’s clear he’s impatient because he’s bored. What he doesn’t understand is that you’re not and you have a lot of stuff going on, meaning you’re not staring at your phone waiting for a message from him. Get a grip, dude.
  10. He’s an egomaniac. It’s totally possible that he’s not only texting you because he’s bored or lonely but because it offers him an ego stroke. The fact that you respond and respond quickly means that you obviously like him. If he’s not all that invested emotionally, he’ll think you are and that will make him feel good. It’s an obnoxious and immature game for guys to play but it’s more common than you think.
  11. He texts you compliments but they don’t feel very genuine. You might think it’s a good thing when a guy compliments you, but if the nice things he says to you sound generic and like they barely apply to you, it could be that he’s just saying this stuff because he thinks it’s a good way to keep you talking to him. He has nothing going on right now, so keeping you engaged is a momentary priority. This is the easiest way to do it in his mind.
  12. He barely makes an effort at conversation. How is it that a guy can text you nonstop and yet he barely says anything of worth? You can’t remember what you talked about yesterday or even a few hours ago, just that the messages were plentiful and it seemed impossible to get away from the conversation. It’s like he likes having someone on the other end of the line to offload on but doesn’t really care what’s being said. How annoying is that?
  13. The questions he asks are basic and boring. Along the same vein, you know he’s just going through the motions when he’s texting you if all the stuff he asks you is so boring you could fall asleep answering him. “What’s up?” doesn’t really invite deep discussion. Neither does “have a good day?” or “I’m tired today, are you?” He might as well not even bother and at some point, you kinda wish he wouldn’t.

How to deal with a guy who only texts when he’s bored or lonely

  1. Ask him to hang out. If you actually like him and are interested in potentially building a real relationship with him, you’ll need to move things off your phone and into the real world. If you get the sense that he’s bored or feeling lonely, ask him if he wants to get together. Go catch a movie, grab some food or a coffee, or even just sit in the park. This will not only alleviate those feelings in him, it’ll give you a chance to actually build a real connection.
  2. Try to steer the conversation in a more productive direction. If he’s making half-hearted efforts at conversation that you know he’s not invested in, try to make things more productive. Come up with some good questions that invite thoughtful and more lengthy responses. You can get to know each other better this way and it might even make him realize he owes you more than the bare minimum when it comes to chatting.
  3. Tell him you’re busy and can’t talk at the moment. You’re cool with being a sounding board and you don’t want anyone to feel upset, but you’re also not a fool and would rather not talk to him if he’s not actually invested in you. If he keeps hounding you with texts and you’re not feeling it or you have other stuff to do, let him know that you’re busy and can’t talk right now. Hopefully, he’ll move on to someone else.
  4. Ignore him. Let’s say he’s the kind of guy who can’t take a hint and will continue to message you even when you tell him you’re busy. He might say something like “that’s cool, you can read these later and respond” and just keep on talking. Or, he might continue to ask you what you’re doing and what time you’ll be done. Wow. In this case, it might be better to not even get into it with him and instead, just ignore his messages from the get-go. You can respond when you have time (if you decide to respond at all).
  5. Delete his number and block him. At the end of the day, if he’s not actually interested in hanging out in person or having meaningful conversations that show an interest in who you are and what’s going on in your life, what’s the point in continuing with him? You’re nobody’s fool, so it might be time to delete his number and then block him altogether. Good riddance!

Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.