Why A Guy Wants You More When You Tell Him You’re Not Interested

As soon as you say that you don’t really want to go out with him, he suddenly decides you’re the woman of his dreams and he just has to have you. How is it that he never realized before just how amazing you are? Something is clearly up. Here’s why a guy wants you more when you’re not interested in him.

  1. Some men can’t fathom the idea that women aren’t interested in them. You’ve met one of these guys — we all have. A man like this genuinely believes he’s a gift to women, but he’s so enamored with himself that there isn’t exactly room for another person in the relationship. Telling him you’re not interested in him makes him doubt himself, his charm, his appeal, and the way he views himself. He just can’t have that.
  2. Your lack of interest makes you worthy of a chase. Guys love a chase, right? Hey, women do too — there’s such a thrill there that can feel amazing sometimes. However, no, your lack of interest does not mean you want a dude to chase you. A guy may think otherwise, but he’s wrong and so is every other man with his viewpoint. This kind of behavior makes him a stalker, not a potential boyfriend.
  3. Guys view indifference as a challenge. The only thing men love more than a chase is a challenge. It’s one reason why ignoring heinously behaved men doesn’t always work. Sometimes, you have to shut down that crap before it even gets started. Indifference isn’t a sign that a woman is just playing coy little come-hither games. Ladies, you’re not sending mixed signals. These bros just pick up on them that way.
  4. Dudes think you’re playing hard to get… except you’re not playing. You don’t want anyone to “get” you. You’re not interested. However, certain guys believe that your “no” is just another game. You’re flirting, playing hard to get, and all he has to do is pursue you a bit more persistently, he’s convinced of it. Doesn’t that skeeve you out?
  5. It’s not hard to act easygoing around someone you’re not remotely into at all. See, your attitude is different around people you’re not interested in romantically. Even if you’re confident, you probably get a little awkward or giggly or something anytime you’re around someone who tickles your pickle. It’s different with guys you’re not into, but they don’t see it that way. Men see your easygoing confidence and lack of concern over what they think and they like it, so they keep trying to snag you. Pffft.
  6. Certain men perceive a lack of interest as a lack of interest in commitment. That is, some guys still want you because they think that, even though you’re not interested in them, you’ll hook up with them anyway. They believe there’s a chance for a casual, no-strings-attached kind of thing, and damned if they’re not going to take that chance.
  7. Some guys always want what they can’t have. Ain’t that the way it goes? The truth is that, with these particular men, they probably won’t want you anymore once they have you. It’s just the type. They get bored easily — as soon as the challenge is over, in fact. They pursue you because you’re not readily available. It doesn’t matter if you’re single, dating, married, committed, or gay. They’ll keep trying.
  8. Some dudes just can’t take “no” for an answer. That’s it. They just can’t stand hearing the word “no” in response to their desires. I don’t think I’m off the mark in urging you to avoid men like this at all costs. It’s not always possible, but if there’s even a hint that you’re dealing with a guy like this, get away as far and as fast as you can.
  9. Guys are irresistibly drawn to a confident woman who knows what she wants. Yeah, you said you’re not interested, but to some men, a woman who knows what she wants is the hottest thing ever – even if she flat-out doesn’t want him. The very fact that you know your mind and express your desires and dislikes without hesitation or apology is the reason he wants you in spite of your refusal.
  10. They think it’s their job to convince you. Stay away from guys like this, as well. They’re a little creepy. It is no man’s job to convince you to want him. Unless you’re literally on a game show where you will win $10 million for picking this one single guy, no dude has any right to make you change your opinions – about him or anything else. Should you find yourself in the presence of a man like this, calmly and coolly repeat your rejection each time he attempts to convince you otherwise.

How to tell him you’re not interested firmly but gently

korean couple enjoying coffee

If he’s really into you and you’re just not feeling the same, you need to be upfront about that and nip things in the bud. Sure, it’s flattering to have someone chase you, but it’s also not very kind and you’d hate it if someone did it to you, so don’t go there. Instead, break the news to him like this.

  1. Keep your conversations short and sweet. The last thing you want to do when you’re not interested in a guy who you know wants you is to keep your contact to a minimum. Don’t entertain novel-length text conversations or get chatting online for hours because you have nothing else going on and it seems harmless enough. The more you engage with him, the more likely he is to think that you feel the same about him, which we know isn’t the case. Any contact you have with him should be short, sweet, and to the point.
  2. Start with a compliment. While he’s not right for you, that’s not necessarily a reflection on who he is personally. He likely has plenty of great personality traits that would make him an excellent boyfriend for someone else. Let him know the things you like about him before you give him the news that you’re not feeling it. It could act as a bit of a cushion for the ego blow that is being rejected.
  3. Tell him you see him as a great friend. When a guy wants you and you’re not interested in him in that way, it’s possible that a friendship isn’t entirely out of the question (though it is unlikely). Let him know that you love hanging out with him and point out that you get along great, you just don’t really have a romantic spark with him and think a friendship between you would be much more fulfilling. He probably won’t take that very well, but that’s not your problem.
  4. Don’t flirt with him no matter how harmless it seems. Flirting can be fun, and oftentimes it is totally harmless because the person we’re flirting with understands it’s not that deep. However, when a guy likes you and you don’t feel the same, flirting with him is just cruel. It leads him on and he’ll believe that you reciprocate his feelings, so when he finds out you don’t, he’ll be doubly upset.
  5. Tell him you’re seeing other guys. This is a more indirect way of letting him know you’re not really interested in him. By letting him know that you’re keeping your dating options open, he should be able to infer that he’s not really someone you want to invest in romantically. This will likely have to be used in combination with other items on this list, but it could help you drive your point home.
  6. Don’t do it via text if you can avoid it. I know it would save so much awkwardness and anxiety to just tell a guy over text that even though he wants you, you’re not interested in him, but if at all possible, don’t. Brave the face-to-face meeting because it’s more respectful and also makes it way less likely that he’ll misinterpret or wrongly infer anything into what you’re telling him.
  7. Don’t go into too much detail. When you’re letting someone down gently, you want to avoid rambling explanations or deep information about why you don’t like him. That’s only going to prolong the awkward encounter and make him feel even crappier. The less detail you can give about your lack of interest in him, the better. Spit it out and then split.
west virginia native, new hampshire transplant, parisian in the depths of my unimpressed soul. owner of an impressive resting bitch face. writer and reader. fluent in sarcasm and snark. lover of lower case and the oxford comma.