These Couples Need To Break Up Already

Some couples go together like beer and nachos while others go together like starving bears and lost hikers. Certain kinds of people just don’t match up with each other. Terrible people make terrible relationships and nasty breakups are always in the future for them. These types of couples just don’t last:

  1. The “perpetually dysfunctional” couple. There’s always something wrong between them. They disagree about everything from hardwood vs. carpet to Camembert vs. Brie. Their personalities are completely incompatible, but for some imbecilic reason, they desperately cling to the relationship with their cold, dead fingers. A breakup is inevitable, but these geniuses choose to ignore it and sink further into misery while they coexist on completely different wavelengths.
  2. The “engaged too quickly” couple. These guys are barely into their twenties, have dated for three months and are absolutely, positively sure that they’re madly in love and will be together forever. You’re not surprised at all when they break up before the wedding or soon after it. They’ll likely take their rage out on each other in a passive-aggressive fashion online instead of talking about it in private like adults.
  3. The “always pissed off” couple. These two are always mad at each other. There’s never a moment of peace between them and they drag their BS out with them when they see their friends. They have no problem bitching at each other in front of everyone and ruining the atmosphere for the night. Their behavior is normal to them and cringe-worthy to the innocent bystanders being subjected to their apish theatrics. They proudly call themselves a-holes and acknowledge their crappy nature, but make no attempts to fix it.
  4. The “drunken drama” couple. They seem OK when they’re sober, but a metric ton of manure hits the industrial-sized fan when they drink. Alcohol seems to break down all their defensive barriers and reveal every single problem that they have. This is an amusing and telltale spectacle while it’s happening, but this classy couple will likely ignore it the next day and pretend that nothing is wrong because like, love and commitment and stuff.
  5. The “overly infatuated” couple. These mushy idiots make a huge deal out of their two-month anniversary. They have revolting nicknames for each other and write sappy messages to one other on Facebook so their online friends can see how amazing, i.e. doomed, their relationship is. While they fail to realize that no one cares about their stomach-turning union, their relationship continues to disintegrate because they don’t give each other any breathing room.
  6. The “oops pregnancy” couple. He’s growing distant and possibly leaning towards a breakup, so she decides the best course of action is to trap him into staying with her via a “surprise” pregnancy, because, you know, a man should be tricked into staying with a woman instead of choosing to do so. She “forgets” to take her birth control and appears to be overwhelmed with joy at the first ultrasound appointment while her partner slips further into depression. It never crosses her mind that perhaps procreation should be planned between two people who love each other instead of forced upon an unwilling and unhappy participant. She’ll likely be completely shocked when a tiny, helpless, screaming poop machine doesn’t magically fix all of the problems in her already doomed relationship (if he even stays around that long).
  7. The “outdated and stereotypical expectations” couple. She expects to be treated like a princess because that’s how Daddy raised her. He expects a doting housewife that will raise perfect children and cater to his every whim. While she longingly watches romantic chick flicks and asks herself, “Why won’t my boyfriend do any of that?” her boyfriend is in the next room, 20 feet away from her, watching sex on the internet and asking himself, “Why won’t my girlfriend do any of that?” Someone is going to be disappointed here.
  8. The “we obviously settled” couple. The only reason they’re still together is because they’re both scared of being alone. They’re “OK” with each other, but they probably wouldn’t even be friends under different circumstances. She wants a penis in her life, he wants a vagina in his life and all other qualities make no difference to them. They know a breakup will probably happen eventually, but they stay together because they have already invested “X” amount of time in the relationship and they don’t want to feel like that time was a waste. Would either one of them continue to stay inside a port-o-potty hours after their explosive diarrhea ends because they don’t want to feel like their time spent in a public toilet hut was a waste? Probably not.
Lauren Clark is a writer and news curator based in Denver, Colorado with bylines here on Bolde and at While she’s vehemently anti-social media, you can find her on LinkedIn.