To The Man I Pretend I No Longer Have Feelings For

It’s impossible to force yourself to stop liking someone. The only thing you can do is pretend that your feelings don’t mean anything, until the lie becomes the truth. Even though you think you’re doing the right thing, some guys won’t understand why you’re acting the way you are. Enough. Here’s what I’d like to say to the man I pretend I don’t have feelings for when I very obviously do:

  1. Ignoring you makes me feel like I have control. I’m acting like I want nothing to do with you in order to upset you. I’m doing it because ignoring you gives me a false sense of control over my emotions.
  2. I act mean to cover up my real feelings. The easiest way to cover up how much I like you is by acting like you’re the last person I want to see. Why do you think kids push their crushes down on the playground?
  3. I realize I’m lying to myself. I’m not stupid. Even though I’m trying to fool everyone around me into thinking I hate you, I can’t fool myself. That doesn’t mean I won’t pretend to, though.
  4. I don’t think you’re good for me. If I thought I had a chance with you and that you’d make an excellent boyfriend, then I wouldn’t feel the need to cover up my feelings. The reason I’m pretending to be over you is because I desperately want to be over you.
  5. I don’t want to get hurt. Love can lead to pain, which is why I’m trying to keep my distance. The last thing I want is to give into my lovey dovey feelings and let you hurt me.
  6. Don’t make it harder for me. If you don’t have any intention of dating me, then please don’t text me or compliment me anymore. Do me a favor by letting us move on.
  7. I miss you. Don’t be fooled. Even though I know I’m better off without you, that doesn’t stop me from reminiscing about the days when I was having the time of my life with you.
  8. It’s hard to keep up the act. Some days, my act is more convincing than others. If you catch me on a bad day, then I’ll be debating whether or not I should throw my morals out the window and text you.
  9. My happiness isn’t all fake. Even though I’m lying about a lot of things, I’m not lying about my happiness. I don’t need you to survive, because I’m perfectly capable of enjoying life on my own.
  10. I won’t give in. I’d love to talk to you and flirt with you like I used to, but I respect myself too much to continue doing that. I know that you’re no good for me, and I also know that I deserve better.
Holly Riordan is a writer from Long Island, New York who has authored several science fiction and horror books. A graduate of Stony Brook University, she has spent nearly a decade writing for publications including Thought Catalog, Huffington Post, Teen Vogue, and more. You can find her on Instagram @hollyrio and Twitter @hollyyrio.