I always focused on finding someone I could trust in a relationship, but the problem is that I did that at the cost of trusting myself. Unfortunately, this habit ended up totally backfiring me in the worst way.
I wanted to believe he was it for me.
When I met a guy who seemed like he had his act together and wanted to be with me, I was excited about our future. The problem is that I was so excited about what could be that I put all my faith in him even though he was giving me signs that I should run away.
I wanted to matter.
Since he was slowly growing into my heart and setting up shop there, I was hoping that his feelings would match mine in intensity. I wanted him to think that I mattered and to prioritize me in his life as much as I was doing that with him. This desperate need clouded my vision. It’s almost like I thought I could make him feel that love regardless of whether or not those feelings were true.
I missed the signs.
I wanted his love so badly that it made me turn a blind eye to all the signs that he wasn’t actually good for me. For example, he could never put a label on our relationship, but instead of confronting him about this, I tried to tell myself that he would come around. I put myself on the back-burner waiting around for this guy.
I ignored my feelings.
I totally ignored the hurt that was building within me because of his behavior and lack of boyfriend qualities in addition to ignoring all the red flags he was giving me. I wasn’t even paying attention to those. What was wrong with me?
I put him above myself.
As time went on, I realized something powerful and quite sickening: I was totally putting this guy above myself on my priorities list. I was acting like he mattered so much more than my genuine happiness and well-being, and that’s totally crazy. The question was, why was I doing this to myself?
I didn’t want to be single.
I had been single for a few years and was, quite frankly, tired of it. I wanted to be loved and have that great love I had been waiting for. The problem is, I was trying to turn this relationship into something that it just wasn’t meant to be, no matter how much I wanted it.
I was trying to fix things.
While I was sure I wasn’t trying to fix the guy, I was trying to fix the relationship by making it what I wanted it to be. The problem is that I was walking around trying to cover up all the cracks instead of seeing them for what they were. That’s not exactly fixing anything—that’s living in denial.
I totally betrayed myself.
I wanted great love, but honestly what I got was betrayal. I was fooling myself into thinking this guy was good for me and that we could have a happy, stable future. When I finally opened my eyes and focused on the guy in front of me, I realized that he wasn’t who I’d dreamed him up to be. He wasn’t right for me at all.
How could I treat myself like that?
He was just a symptom of a much bigger problem I was creating for myself: I was lying to myself. I was throwing myself under the bus in order to make things happen with this guy. This was the worst thing I could’ve done because if I hurt myself, how could I trust myself? I was putting myself in danger of heartbreak and lies, and for what? No one is worth me being a sacrifice. No love, however great I hope it can be, is worth my sanity and well-being.
I had to shoot to the top of the list.
The first thing I did was get out of that relationship after seeing what it was really about. Then, with nothing clouding my judgment, I focused on a new dating mantra: I’m number one. I refuse to put myself lower on my own list of priorities just so that I can have a relationship. My life (and self) is much more important than that. I’d rather be single than allow anyone so much power over me.
But first, I had to forgive myself.
It wasn’t easy to forgive myself for allowing myself to be in that situation, but it was the first step to growing as a person and making healthier dating choices in the future. It’s amazing how trusting myself and my feelings about a relationship has made such a huge change in my life.
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