Does He Like Me Or Just Want To Hook Up? Ask Yourself These 10 Questions

Is he into you or isn’t he? It’s actually very simple. It’s so simple, in fact, that it’s nutso how much time we women spend trying to figure out what a guy’s thinking. The next time you’re agonizing over what’s going on, just ask yourself these really obvious questions to keep yourself in check and answer the age-old question: does he like me or just want to hook up?

  1. Who’s doing most of the texting? A guy who wants to be your boyfriend will text you regularly — and by regularly, we mean all the time — without you having to text him. There are no exceptions: If he’s into you, he’ll text you. Trust us on this. A guy who only cares about hooking up won’t text you unless you text him first, except when he’s horny, of course. So if you keep having to text him, STOP. Sorry to break it to you but he’s not into you — he’s using you.
  2. What happens before you hook up? A guy who wants to be your boyfriend will do different things with you when you hang out like grab a bite with you, invite you to hang out with his friends, watch a movie, etc. Hooking up will come after hanging out in ways that don’t involve hooking up. In other words, it’s not a given, it’s an added bonus.
  3. What happens after you hook up? His behavior before you actually get into bed is likely to be a little better by default given that he’s trying to, you know, get laid. What’s he like when the deed is done? Does he roll over and fall asleep or worse, climb out of bed and head for the nearest exit ASAP? A guy who wants to be your boyfriend will linger for a while afterward to engage in small talk and just be close to you. If that’s not happening, you can figure out pretty quickly where his head is at.
  4. Who makes most of the plans? Whose idea is it to get together most of the time? If he only wants to hook up, you’ll notice that when he does make the plans, they tend to happen last minute and generally they’re all at night. You don’t usually go out anywhere – you tend to go to his place or yours because hey, you can’t hook up in public (at least if you don’t want to get arrested). If you’re keen to hang out outside the bedroom but you’re the only one who ever suggests wanting to do so, it’s pretty clear he’s looking for something much more relaxed.
  5. Does he bail when sleeping together isn’t on the cards? A guy who just wants to hook up won’t really want to be around you when he knows he’s not going to get you into bed. You can easily tell where his head is at by mentioning pre-hangout that you have your period or that you’ve had a really long day and just want a chill night on the couch. If he suddenly has plans or “can’t make it,” he’s definitely not interested in a serious relationship (or any at all).
  6. What do you talk about? A guy who wants to be your boyfriend will actually want to talk to you. You’ll have conversations about your lives, your friends, and your plans. You’ll feel a connection. A guy who sees you as just a hookup won’t really care about what you think or feel. Sure, you’ll have conversations here and there, but as you talk to him, you won’t feel like he feels a real connection to you.
  7. What kind of compliments does he give you? This guy must be a charmer, otherwise, it’s unlikely you’d be sleeping with him. However, when you think about the things he compliments you about, what are they? If the things he seems to like about you are all based on your physical features rather than your personality and what’s inside, he hasn’t looked beyond the surface and doesn’t really plan to do so.
  8. Does he focus on your pleasure at all? When you do sleep together, what’s it like? A guy who wants to be your boyfriend will want to make sure you get off too rather than just focusing on himself. He’s not selfish — he cares about how things are for you too. If he’s all about himself and is fine leaving you to finish yourself off, you’re nothing more than a hookup to him.
  9. How active is he in the dating scene? While it might be hard to know the real answer to this, it’s pretty easy to tell if he’s active on dating apps while he’s sleeping with you. And hey, maybe he is open about the fact that he’s seeing other women and likes “going with the flow.” If that’s the case, he’s obviously not bothered about building anything real with you or anyone else and things aren’t likely to progress beyond the bedroom.
  10. What does your gut say? A guy who wants to be your boyfriend will make you feel like a priority — you’ll sense that he wants you and is thinking about you because he’ll behave accordingly. In other words: When a guy is into you, you’ll know it… You’ll feel it at an instinctual level. A guy who sees you as just a hookup will make you wonder wtf his deal is. You’ll be totally confused because he’ll be hot one minute and cold the next and you’ll spend a ton of time trying to decipher his behavior. Deep down, you’ll know something’s wrong. That’s your gut telling you to walk away — listen.

How to make sure you don’t end up with a guy who only wants to hook up

While there’s no surefire way to completely weed out liars and players who will say anything to trick a woman into bed, there are some things that are within your control and that will go a long way toward ensuring you don’t end up with a guy who will just use you as a hookup.

  1. Make it clear what you’re looking for from the beginning. If you want to find someone you can bond deeply with and potentially spend the rest of your life with, say that upfront. While you don’t need to come in strong on the first date and start ranting about marriage and babies, you should be very clear about the fact that you want more than just a quick hookup and are seeking something more substantial.
  2. Don’t downplay your feelings. If you’re developing feelings for a guy and taking your almost-relationship seriously, be true to that. You don’t have to pretend to be super casual just because he is, nor should you. If you’re worried that he might freak out and run a mile in the other direction if you dare to express any emotion about what you’re doing, then he’s clearly not the right guy for you anyway. Be true to your emotions and never be ashamed of them.
  3. Don’t give him boyfriend benefits before he’s earned them. Because you’re looking for a boyfriend and the oxytocin is flowing thanks to the fact that you’re sleeping together, you might be tempted to immediately start acting like his girlfriend even if he’s not treating you like one. If he knows he can get all the benefits of a committed relationship while he plans to hook up exclusively, you’ll never get out of that toxic loop. Don’t do it to yourself — you deserve more. Make him earn it.
  4. Make sure what happens is on your terms too. Just because you like a guy doesn’t mean that everything needs to be on his terms. You don’t need to go along with what he wants because you worry that he might dip if you dare to speak up against him or express a different desire. Again, you’re part of this arrangement as well and if it’s not working for you, it’s not working at all.
  5. Don’t sleep with him every time you hang out. Maybe he asked if you wanted to come over to “watch TV” because he figured you both knew it was code for hooking up, but hold him to it sometimes. Go over and literally just watch TV. Have interesting conversations, get to know each other, do normal dating things that don’t always revolve around sex.

It would be great if guys could say upfront what they’re looking for. It would save so much time and energy that we spend trying to decode their behavior and also keep our sanity intact. Thankfully, it doesn’t take that much investigation to figure out where his head is at — just a little willingness on our part to be honest with ourselves about what’s going on.

Halle Kaye is the author of the insightful, inspirational and hilarious dating guide for women, "Maybe He's Just an Asshole: Ditch Denial, Embrace Your Worth, and Find True Love!"