If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you’re all too familiar with the fact that they’re masters of manipulation. Gaslighting is one of their most destructive tactics, and they go hard when it comes to trying to make you question your memories, perceptions, and even your basic sanity. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step to protecting yourself and reclaiming your sense of reality. Keep an eye out for these tactics, and if you notice them, call them out — or, even better, walk away ASAP!
1. Flat-out denial
They’ll deny saying something they absolutely did say, or insist a conversation or event never happened. They might even deny objective facts that multiple people witnessed. Their goal is to make you so confused and disoriented that you start to doubt your own memory.
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2. Twisting your words and actions
They take your innocent comment and manipulate it to make you the villain, PsychCentral explains. They’ll exaggerate, accuse you of hidden motivations you never had, or put words in your mouth. Any attempt to clarify is met with further distortion, which is designed to leave you feeling frustrated, disbelieved, and on the defensive for things you never even said or did.
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3. Projecting their own flaws onto you
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They accuse you of the very things they are guilty of. They’ll call you controlling when they’re the domineering one, fling accusations of lying when they’re the one being dishonest. It’s a way to deflect blame, create a smokescreen, and make you focus on defending yourself instead of questioning their behavior.
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4. Generalizing with statements like “You always…” or “You never…”
This tactic paints you as inherently flawed, and therefore incapable of doing anything right. It erases any nuances of the situation and makes it harder to defend yourself. When faced with these exaggerated claims, try to focus on specific examples or counter their absolutes with instances of the opposite behavior. Or, don’t engage at all — it’s all but impossible to win with a narcissist.
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5. Undermining your confidence with subtle insults
Often disguised as jokes or “just teasing,” these comments eat away at your self-esteem. They’ll criticize your appearance, intelligence, or choices with a smile, then gaslight you if you react – “Can’t you take a joke?” or “You’re so sensitive!” Their goal is to make you feel insecure so you’re less likely to challenge their control.
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6. Isolating you from your support system
They’ll sow seeds of doubt about your friends, family, even therapists. “Your mom always plays favorites,” they might claim, or, “Are you sure your therapist is even qualified?” They want you to believe you’re alone with no one to validate your experiences, making you rely solely on the narcissist’s warped version of reality.
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7. Trivializing your feelings
When you express hurt or concern, they minimize your emotions. “You’re too sensitive,” “It wasn’t a big deal,” or “Get over it,” are designed to make you feel unreasonable for having completely valid reactions to their hurtful behaviors. This dismissal trains you to suppress your feelings, making it easier for them to continue their manipulation.
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8. Changing the subject when they’re held accountable
When you call them out on their actions, they adeptly derail the conversation. They bring up an unrelated past issue, launch a personal attack, or abruptly change topics. They want to distract you from their original behavior, create chaos, and avoid taking any sort of responsibility.
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9. Weaponizing your vulnerabilities
Early in the relationship, they seemed so empathetic, drawing out your insecurities, past hurts, and secrets. Now, they use those vulnerabilities as ammunition. They’ll mock your deepest fears or intentionally trigger painful memories to make you feel weak and emotionally off-balance.
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10. The silent treatment
After an argument or when you don’t go along with what they want, they withdraw into icy silence, per Simply Psychology. They refuse to communicate, ignore your calls or texts, or even act like you don’t exist. This creates a sense of panic and desperation, as you beg for them to explain, desperate for any interaction, even negative attention.
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11. Hot and cold behavior
They shower you with love-bombing one minute, then become distant and critical the next. This unpredictability keeps you on edge, always trying to please them, desperately hoping to earn back their affection. This emotional rollercoaster creates a trauma bond, making it harder to leave a toxic dynamic.
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12. “Jokes” with a kernel of truth
They’ll make a hurtful comment disguised as a joke, then turn on you if you react. “Wow, you’ve gained weight, haha, just teasing!” It allows them to say cruel things, then accuse you of being “too sensitive” when you’re rightfully hurt. This creates a dynamic where you’re constantly guessing which of their “jokes” have a deeper meaning.
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13. Moving the goalposts
No matter how hard you try, it’s never good enough. Just when you think you’ve finally met their expectations, they raise the bar again. They demand constant proof of your loyalty with impossible standards to meet. This is designed to make you feel like you’re constantly failing, eroding your sense of self-worth and making you more dependent on their unattainable validation.
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14. Sabotaging your success
Deep down, your achievements threaten their fragile ego. They might “forget” to remind you of an important meeting, create drama right before a job interview, or “accidentally” break something you need for a big project. They’ll then swoop in to “save” you, all while ensuring you doubt your own capabilities.
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15. Playing the victim
Narcissists never accept blame. They twist any situation to make themselves the victim, even when they were clearly the aggressor. They’ll exaggerate your “unreasonable” reactions, or claim their actions were forced because you “made them do it.” They aim to trigger your guilt, so you apologize for things you didn’t even do wrong.
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16. Public humiliation
Undermining you in front of others is a powerful tactic. They might tell an embarrassing story, mock you in social settings, or reveal a private secret. This serves to isolate you further, as you become hesitant to express yourself around others for fear of being ridiculed by your narcissistic partner.
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