I Went To A Sex Party & It Was Not What I Expected

I’ve always been curious about sex parties and before actually attending one, I had a lot of preconceptions about what might go on at one of these events. My only primers were Hollywood depictions of clandestine orgies reserved for affluent deviants and cult members. Turns out, it was less Eyes Wide Shut and more Breakfast Club in the best possible way.

  1. Many people were already friends (or lovers). Because this party was organized by an existing sex-positive community, many people there already knew each other. A lot of deep connections were already formed amongst friends and lovers, and this made for the feeling of closeness, even in such a large event.
  2. There were a LOT of people there—way more than I expected. The limit for the party was capped at 80 people and all 80 showed up. Maintaining intimacy and safety among so many guests, many of whom didn’t have such close connections within the group, was a task that the organizers tackled through smaller, more intimate areas within the space and ice-breaker games, many of which focused on sexuality in some way.
  3. Consent was a huge topic. The first hour of the party was dedicated to group games built around practicing consent, as well as helping everyone get to know each other. Being able to say ‘no’ (and to hear it) is something we practiced in great depth. This really set the expectation among guests that enthusiastic verbal consent was paramount to creating a safe and enjoyable evening.
  4. There were no drugs or alcohol. In keeping with the importance of clear consent, drugs and alcohol were discouraged. It was wonderful knowing that everyone there was experiencing the event soberly, fully aware of themselves and their environment, and able to give full, clear-minded consent to whatever they were involved in. The sordid tales of drug-fueled orgies smattering tabloid magazines were a far cry from this event.
  5. Apart from consent, nobody took anything too seriously. The guests were all quite irreverent and playful—there was no need to be serious about being at a sex party. Besides, sex is fun! Why shouldn’t a sex party be fun too? A lot of people were dressed up in elaborate costumes, but just as many were in casual wear. It was a completely relaxed atmosphere, perfect for letting go and having fun.
  6. Nobody expected sex at a sex party. Because consent was so important, nobody was expected to have sex if they didn’t want to. Personally, I wasn’t really feeling it in the end and instead, felt totally comfortable just hanging out, watching, and taking part in the other activities on offer. Never did I feel pressured into being sexual; it was more a sex-positive party than strictly a sex party in that sense. Sex was welcome but never assumed.
  7. There was a play-fighting ring. This was actually my favorite part of the party in the end. My partner and I spent a good part of the night sock-wrestling in our underwear. It was a great way to partake in the general physical atmosphere of the event, without having that physical activity be strictly sexual. Inadvertently, we discovered the pleasure of pure animalistic physicality which, in and of itself, has a very erotic element to it.
  8. There was a masturbation contest. For me, this was the height of the silliness that the party carried throughout the night. Four women had a race to see who could come first, using vibrators. A crowd gathered, cheering them on and the whole thing was much funnier than it was sexy. The whole experience was almost surreal, but fit in perfectly with the irreverent nature of the event.
  9. Watching was welcomed. In many sex clubs, watching other people getting it on is generally considered a creepy move and is frowned upon. Here, it was completely the opposite. Because it was a closed event, and because of the reduced barriers to intimacy afforded by the ice-breakers, watching people play was totally comfortable. There was a lightness to the entire event that felt very safe and welcoming. Watching, or being watched, in such a secure environment carried with it a sense of acceptance.
  10. It felt normal. It’s not every day I watch a bunch of people having sex, tying each other up, getting whipped, wrestling naked, and generally just indulging in all forms of debauchery. But after the initial shock of a new environment, it became incredibly normal. Sex is really just an activity like anything else and while it can carry quite personal meaning with it, it can also just be enjoyed communally without stigma. I noticed my comfort zone adjusted very quickly and soon, watching a friend get bound and tortured or a couple going down on each other became par for the course. Turns out, sex is normal after all!
is an open-hearted fellow human, lover of vulnerability, workshop facilitator and blogger, and perpetual student of the universe. She blogs over at https://liberationandlove.com about the beautiful experience that is being human. Through her writings, she takes great pleasure in delving into conscious community, sexuality, communication, and relationships, and loves to help others to do the same. You can find her on instagram as @jazz_meyer or @liberation.and.love