Why You Got Put In The Friend Zone, According To A Guy

There may be no more contentious part of modern dating than the dreaded friend zone. There is so much mystery and controversy when it comes to the who, what, why, and how of being relegated to permanent platonic status. I don’t claim to have all of the answers, but as a guy, I can share with you why one of us has decided you’re never going to be our girlfriend. Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as you think.

  1. We just have this feeling… Admittedly, this isn’t a reason, but guys do tend to trust our gut. Much like you ladies, sometimes we’re just not feeling it. There’s not always a way to explain it clearly, but sometimes you meet someone and feel only a friend vibe with them. It’s not that we’re trying to push you into the friend zone preemptively, we just don’t feel any romantic spark with you. That being said, if we like you as a person, then it’s to the friend zone you go.
  2. We don’t want a relationship. Ah, the famous line, “It’s not you, it’s me.” It sounds like a bad line and a cop-out, but sometimes it’s actually true. Some guys will meet someone that they genuinely like but just aren’t looking for a relationship at the moment with anyone. There’s nothing you did wrong, and in such instances, the friend zone isn’t necessarily a permanent ruling. (Yes, getting out of the friend zone is possible.) However, most of us reach a certain point in our lives when everyone we meet is either in the friend zone or a one-night stand if they’re not girlfriend material.
  3. We’re not sure you like us. While some guys and brimming with confidence and some just aren’t. The latter type of guy may put you in the friend zone simply because he doesn’t know if you like him back. It’s taking the safe approach because being your friend means we get to keep you around. This way, we get more time to figure out if maybe you like us. This is why it’s not such a bad idea for women to make the first move sometimes.
  4. We’re pretty busy at the moment. Guys know that getting into a relationship is a time commitment and sometimes we’re not always willing to make that sacrifice. The thought of being in a relationship feels more like a responsibility than something fun. Thus, we try to keep you around as a friend because we know getting into a relationship isn’t what we want. On the bright side, the door is somewhat ajar to get out of the friend zone at a later date.
  5. We feel unworthy. As I mentioned earlier, some guys are low in the confidence department. If you’re a serious catch, a guy may not feel like he has a chance. Instead, we tend to try putting you in the friend zone so you have a chance to develop romantic feelings for us over time. It’s a little sneaky, but if we like someone who seems way out of our league, what else can we do?
  6. We think we can still sleep with you. OK, so this is the dark side of the friend zone. There are some crafty but ill-intentioned guys out there who will put a woman in the friend zone but still try to sleep with her. You shouldn’t assume every guy that puts you in the friend zone is trying to do this, but if he displays some of the other signs of being a player, it might be his game plan.
  7. We’re seeing someone else. It’s always tricky to hit it off with someone when you’re already seeing someone else. A lot of us have been in this situation, and unfortunately, there’s no protocol for handling it. For that reason, some guys use the friend zone as an on-deck circle. They don’t want to date multiple people at once and they don’t want to break up with their current girlfriend. But if a guy likes you enough, he’ll try to put you in the friend zone, which leaves the door ajar for you to date in the future. Honestly, it’s not the most honorable thing that guys do and I assure you that most of us mean well even if it doesn’t seem like it.
  8. We’re trying to spare your feelings. Contrary to popular belief, most guys (at least the decent ones) do care about your feelings. Those that do know it’s not easy to tell someone that we don’t have feelings for them. We also don’t want to be a jerk about it so we offer you a spot in the friend zone as a consolation prize. You may think you have a chance to work your way out, but you actually don’t. If it matters, we mean well when we do this. Hopefully, you ladies can tell when there’s no spark or romantic chemistry whatsoever. That way, you’ll know that the friend zone will be permanent, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Bryan Zarpentine graduated from Syracuse University and lives in upstate New York, where he writes largely about the world of sports. His work has appeared on Franchise Sports and WSN, among others. You can find him on Twitter @BZarp.