Some sexual dry spells are self-inflicted, while others are completely and utterly out of your control. You know — the ones where you’re almost ready to crawl out of your skin if you don’t see some action soon. Everything about a dry spell is horrible, especially the lack of good sex, but there are a few other side effects that definitely aren’t helping you put it out of your mind:
- Hearing your friends talk about their amazing sex lives. Or even just an unexpected, although completely mediocre, one-night stand. You’d kill for one of those right now — you’re that desperate.
- Getting bored with your sex toys. Even the $200 state of the art, waterproof rabbit isn’t doing the trick anymore. Sure, you have an orgasm (how could you not?), but it’s not satisfying the same way it is to have a guy make you come. Your rabbit isn’t very good at spooning afterwards either.
- The most basic love scene on TV gets you going. It could literally just be a five second make out before Pretty Little Liars cuts to commercial, but your imagination does a great job of filling in the blanks, and before you know it you’re fantasizing about the next time that it’ll be you ripping off some guy’s clothes in a moment of pure animal lust.
- Those times you know you’re going to be horny. Whether it’s when you’re hungover, or when you’ve just finished your period, ever woman knows her body and her hormones well enough to see those moments of uncontrollable horniness coming. It’s going to happen whether you like it or not, and you’ll just have to resort to the same self-pleasuring tricks, knowing that you definitely won’t be satisfied.
- Forgetting what sex actually feels like. You can’t actually remember exactly how it feels to have sex, but you know it’s fantastic, and you definitely know that you want it again. And soon.
- When you start using the words ‘months’ or even ‘years’ to keep track of how long it’s been. It’s not a real dry spell unless the unit you use to measure it is expressed in plural form. One month of no sex is nothing once you’ve hit the 12Â month mark. You can’t even decide if it sounds worse to say it’s been 12Â months since you saw a penis in person, or a year.
- When your friends in relationship complain that they haven’t had sex in “literally two whole weeks.” You’re either side-eyeing them so hard but keeping your mouth shut to protect your own pride, or taking what little joy you can out of seeing their faces when you tell them it’s been “a literal year” since you’ve even touched a penis, let alone had one inside you.
- Watching entirely too much sex online. Or reading too much erotica. Or scrolling through too many pages of dirty Tumblr pictures. Whatever your vice, you’d think you’d want to avoid seeing the thing you haven’t had in so long, but you can’t seem to stay away from it. It’s definitely not helping.
- Actually considering lowering your standards on Tinder. You know you could probably find someone to have sex with if you wanted it that badly, but there are just some lines that cannot be crossed. At least not before you’ve hit that two year mark.
- Getting your hopes up about a promising date only to go home alone yet again. When it’s been awhile since you’ve had any sort of skin to skin contact with someone, a date could mean a light at the end of the tunnel. But that just makes it that much harder when your date turns out the be a mirage in the barren desert that your sex life has become.
