The Worst Things Guys Have Said To Me On First Dates, Ranked

I’ve been lucky when it comes to first dates. Most haven’t been too dreadful and I rarely found myself sitting in a crappy venue across from someone who deserved to have my drink thrown in their face. Then again, there are always exceptions. Here are a few of the worst things guys have said to me the first time we went out.

“Are you really going to eat all that?” Hmm, let’s see, how do I put this? Hell yeah. And sorry, but why is it any of his business? People who comment on other people’s plates/meals is one my greatest pet peeves—was I asking him to eat it?!—but in the context of a first date, it’s even worse. Given that statistically, more men (70.8%) than women (56.3%) are obese, I should be critiquing his meals! And I know I shouldn’t be blaming him alone. Society primarily establishes women’s bodies as public property, fair game to be scrutinized, instructed and policed. But I also credit people with having brains and common sense and (hopefully) some form of a moral compass.

“I came here once with my ex.” There’s a reason why 89% of singles hate when exes are mentioned. Not only is it a huge buzzkill, but taking the opportunity to bring up a former partner hints that maybe you’re not really over/over it, and someone who’s not healthily single shouldn’t be dating. I’m not saying you should never discuss your ex, I just think it’s a little premature on a first date. Plus, it often leads the conversation into dangerous territory, where statements like this next gem pop up…

“My exes were all crazy.” If that isn’t the official toxic guy catchphrase, I don’t know what is. Translation: he’s probably full of crap and his ex called him out. But of course, she’s the irrational, paranoid one, right? These words have always been a giant red flag for me for a number of reasons. A) I find it really unattractive (and slightly immature) when someone badmouths their ex. You can simply say it didn’t work out and move the conversation along. B) It’s highly unlikely that all of his exes are crazy. One or two, fair enough, but the whole world really isn’t a wasteland of roaming psychopaths. Which tells me that C) This guy likes to embellish the truth. No thanks.

“I’m not sexist or anything, I just think women need to know their place.” U wot, m8? For me, sexism is a huge turnoff, so he need not bother trying to justify his disgusting, outdated opinions or his soggy crouton of a personality. If you have to start a sentence with, “I’m not _____,” you very likely are that exact thing.

“If I had a daughter, I’d want her to look just like you.” I’m not surprised this comment came up, considering that 41% of men want to have the kids conversation on the first date. If we were in a committed, long term relationship, it may be sweet. If the biological clock was ticking like crazy, it might even be exactly what I was hoping to hear. But I was 19 and we were just having a coffee. Way, way, waaay too soon. Also, the creep factor = high.

“Oh, didn’t I tell you? I’m allergic to nuts!” Um, no! As if he didn’t think to mention that before we picked a Thai restaurant, where most of the dishes are cooked in peanut oil?! And before you say, “Girl, that’s not offensive, that’s just unfortunate,” let me explain. This date,  which ended in the emergency room, deserves to be included on this list because it was such a stupid thing to do. And even now, four years later, his stupidity still offends me. Thank God for antihistamines.

“You’re so much prettier when you smile.” Listen, I’m not here for anyone’s entertainment. If he wants me to smile, then he should do something funny. Until then, this is just the way I look, and if he can’t handle me at my resting bitch face then he doesn’t deserve me at my sugar-high happiest.

“This is a nice place… Should’ve forgotten my wallet!” No idea why anyone would say that out loud but he did and I was not impressed. Even though I like to at least offer to pay/split the bill, I hated sitting across from someone who didn’t even think I was worth paying for a meal. Maybe his nerves got the better of him and a bad joke slipped out, but once he began having a heated discussion with our waiter about why waitstaff shouldn’t expect tips, I was pretty much done.

“Nice dress, how much did that cost?” Just in case you missed the earlier signs that you’re dating a cheapskate, this is definitely another one. I hate it when a guy tries to weigh in on my spending habits. Is he paying my bills? Comments like, “Those shoes look expensive. How much were they?” really irritate me. Like, why does he care? Did I put them on his credit card? No? Then zip it!

“Oh, you don’t drink? Are you a prude?” Once this guy was on his third drink before our entrée came out (and not holding his liquor very well either), I’d already tapped out mentally. If I’m not a big drinker, it’s because I don’t want to be and I’m not looking for someone to tell me I need to be otherwise. By all means, grab yourself a drink, but don’t tell me I need to do the same. Appreciate it.

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