Forget One-Night Stands — I’m More Of A “Half-Night Stand” Kind Of Girl

I’ve never been a fan of one-night stands. If I’m going to hit it, I’d like to quit it sooner rather than later. Hooking up can be awkward — I don’t want to have an uncomfortable morning conversation with the guy I randomly slept with about the weather and our favorite breakfast foods. That’s why I prefer half-night stands instead — I get the benefits that come with “one-night stands” without any of the commitment.

I Get To Sleep In My Own Bed. I know a lot of people say they love their bed, but I really do. It’s my happy place and I want to be in it every single night. Once the deed is done, I simply forego the sleepover portion of the evening and go home to my bed and sleep.

I Don’t Have To Pretend To Be Interested. He doesn’t have to pretend like he wants to see me again, and I don’t have to pretend like I want to see him again. That weird shuffle that happens the morning after a one-night stand is completely removed. “Well…uh, let me grab your number and maybe we can…” I don’t have to hear that, nor do I have to say that with a half-night stand.

I Don’t Have To Get Curious. Naturally, if I stay at someone’s place all night, I’m going to look around. Why wouldn’t I? I’m nosey and there’s nothing but space and opportunity for me to snoop. The problem, however, is that I could end up finding something unsavory in his house, and no one wants that.

I Can Poop In Peace. I can’t be the only person who has to go number two in the morning! I’m not comfortable going to the bathroom at a boyfriend’s place, so you better believe I’m not comfortable going at a complete stranger’s. I don’t want to flush the toilet a ton of times in order to mask the smell (and sound) of what I’m doing.

I Don’t Have To Talk In The Morning. The worst part about one-night stands is having to communicate the next morning. It’s acca-awkward, even if I know the guy. He has to act like he wants to get breakfast and I have to act like I remember his name —  it’s too much drama.

I Don’t Have To Do The Walk Of Shame. Forget having to walk into my apartment at 8am wearing the same dress I had on the night before. Half-night stands remove the need for walks of shame. Finally! At 8am, I’ll already be in my apartment, asleep, with the same dress I had on the night before. Suck it!

I Don’t Have To Mask My Disappointment. There are so many benefits to leaving before the sun comes up, but this one takes the cake — not being disappointed. There’s no way I’m the only girl who’s gone home with a solid 8 but woke up to a low 5. Didn’t think so! People look VERY different in the daytime, and I’d rather not be subjected to that.

I Don’t Have To Get Pretty. Waking up the morning after a one-night stand is a challenge. I’m usually super paranoid that I look disgusting and that I smell even worse. I hate having to worry about bringing another pair of clothes, a toothbrush, and soap — that’s why half-night stands are so great.

I Don’t Have To Awkwardly Cuddle. Snuggling up close to a one-night stand is uncomfortable and slightly pointless. If I know I’m never going to see this kid again (which I do), what’s the point of cuddling with him? Maybe I just hate cuddling (which I do), but I think it should be between two people with the same amount of feels, right?

They’re less emotionally draining. I used to think one-night stands were emotionally less draining. No no no! Half-night stands are. They require as little emotional connection as possible — it’s truly magical if that’s your thing.

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