My relationship with my ex didn’t go sour because he was a terrible person. He didn’t lie to me, cheat on me, or treat me like crap—at least not purposely. What ultimately destroyed us was his insecurity, and I wish I’d noticed the signs earlier. Here they are—hopefully you can avoid going through the same heartbreak.
He controls you. If your boyfriend doesn’t let you have a life of your own and always keeps interfering with whatever you do, he’s trying to control you. Initially, this might seem like he loves you a lot and is just looking out for you and trying to protect you, but really it’s his insecurity and the fear of what might happen when he’s not around that’s keeping you in a prison of his making.
He checks your phone. If your boyfriend wants to know who’s texting you and what they’re saying 24/7, you need to dump him. Privacy is important and if he can’t respect yours, he shouldn’t be with you. My ex used to check my phone every time we hung out. Not only did he go through my text messages and Facebook chats, he even checked my call logs to see who I’d talked to. Yes, I password protected my phone, but this just made him more suspicious of me and I ended up having to tell him the code. This is not OK.
He stalks you on social media. An insecure boyfriend needs to know what you’re doing every second of the day, and this includes on social media. He keeps tabs on every picture you upload, every status message you post, and everything you like or comment on. What he thinks he’s going to find doesn’t matter—his insecurity won’t let him not look.
He distances you from your friends and family. His urge to be around you all the time takes over your ability to spend time with your family and friends. He feels jealous when you hang out with your friends or enjoy quality time with your parents or siblings. My ex-boyfriend used to deliberately plan his visits or drop in unannounced when he knew I was with my friends. He even used to call me constantly about totally dumb, random stuff just to check on me when I wasn’t with him. That’s a serious problem.
He often doubts you for no reason. His fear of losing you is so strong that he can’t get you out of his head, even for a minute. He gets suspicious of you having an affair even when you’re casually talking to a male colleague or boss. He hates your guy friends way too much for no reason and can’t bear to see you with them. This obviously results in daily arguments and fights. If your relationship is already falling apart, it’s not because of you, it’s because of his insecurity.
He tries to control your money. My ex legit tried to take charge of my money. He knew my bank account details and all of my financial information so in a way, I became dependent on him, which he loved. Whenever I wanted to buy something, I had to ask him to pay, and if he didn’t like me spending on certain things, he would say no. Yes, seriously—this wasn’t just insecure of him, it was downright inappropriate. Don’t put up with this crap.
He can’t take constructive criticism. An insecure person never sees himself doing anything wrong or being at fault. When you try to explain certain things or ask him to accept his mistakes, he’ll maneuver the argument in such a way that you’ll end up blaming yourself. He’ll also start playing the victim and give you endless excuses for why he does what he does. Forget having a constructive conversation with him because he’ll never understand and always remain defensive.
He pays no attention to your needs and interests. Insecure people are often so self-absorbed that they don’t give a damn about what other people might think, feel, need, or want. My ex was exactly like this. He wanted me to be around him when it was convenient for him, but when I needed him, he wasn’t available. Also, he didn’t give a crap about what I liked or enjoyed doing.
He won’t take no for an answer. When my boyfriend wanted to do something, I had to do it with him, no questions asked. If he wanted to go see a movie, I had to. If he wanted to talk, I had to. He just couldn’t accept me turning him down for anything. When I actually did say no to him, loud and clear, I saw an aggressive and paranoid side of him that was quite terrifying.
He violates your privacy but maintains his. He wants to know each and everything about you but is reluctant to share even the most basic details about himself. He decides what you wear, where you go, what you do, who you talk to, but you get no say in anything about his life. Not only is this unbalanced and unhealthy, it’s abusive and you need to get out.