It’s easy to point the finger and say your partner is the problem in your relationship, but it could actually be you who’s toxic. How do you know if you’re the source of the trouble? Here are 13 signs.
- You have low self-esteem. Low self-esteem in itself isn’t enough to make you toxic—it’s all about what you do with it. If you’re expecting your partner to hurt or reject you, this could make you suspicious of him and could cause you to fight with him over things that he’s not guilty of doing. That’s totally unfair. Having low self-esteem could also make you avoid telling your partner when you feel sad, hurt or belittled, which means you’re not being truthful or you’re bottling things up—and you know what happens later. Ka-pow!
- You regularly make threats. When you have horrible fights with your partner, you threaten to leave him or you give him ultimatums. You might think that this empowers you, but it actually makes you controlling and unfair, using their feelings against you. “If you don’t do this” or “If you loved me, you’d do this” are examples of manipulative threats you might use.
- You leave the room during an argument. You have the tendency to storm out of the room when things get heated during an argument, usually after you’ve had your say. Why is this toxic? It leaves relationship issues unresolved.
- You allow people to interfere in your relationship. You share info about your relationship with your friends and loved ones, which is inappropriate. Or, you allow your loved ones to get involved in your relationship. This can be really damaging, putting your loved ones against your partner or making issues even more complicated. You’re the one who needs to set boundaries between your relationship and your loved ones, and if you don’t then you’re allowing your relationship to become toxic.
- You can’t handle criticism. It’s not the nasty criticism that we’re talking about—no one should put up with that—but the helpful feedback your partner gives you because he’s really worried about you or cares about you or because it’s the truth about how your behavior makes him feel. When faced with criticism, you either lose your temper or try to blame him for things.
- You feel he’s not good enough. Although you can’t take criticism (and your boyfriend’s not the first person to tell you this), you’re always eager to find faults in your partner and try to change them. That’s not okay.
- You always play the victim. You can’t help it—you always feel like you’ve been wronged in your relationship. You might also be the people pleaser, the person who doesn’t express her thoughts so as to keep the peace, and the one who tries not to rock the boat. But no, you’re not a martyr—you’re just being manipulative. If you see yourself as the victim all the time, then you can’t be wronged… or so you think.
- Your life is full of drama. Your life was a one-woman show of drama before your boyfriend entered your life. You might think that it’s not your fault, but come on—you’re either allowing drama to flourish in your life or you’re causing it. And now, you’re dragging your partner into it, making him have to deal with all your issues.
- You love to gossip. You share too much with your partner about your friends, frenemies, and rivals. Since your relationships are full of drama, there’s always loads of gossip to go around. This just makes your partner worry that you’re gossiping about him behind his back, which you probably are.
- You’re brutally honest. You don’t like to beat around the bush and sugar coat things. You pride yourself on being “straightforward” and “brutally honest.” Um, is this a good thing or are you just being mean? If you’re quick to insult your partner and make them feel bad, it’s the latter.
- You don’t see outside of your perspective. You hold onto your views as the right ones without thinking about the value in what your partner is saying or feeling. It’s all about you. You’re always right. You’re never to blame for anything. Yikes, it must be hard to try to talk to you sometimes.
- You hold grudges. You have a mental list in your head of all the bad things your partner has done that you keep adding to. You hold these grudges until the perfect moment to unleash them in his face—usually during an argument when you want to win or hurt him.
- You snoop through his things. You like to control what your partner does and one of the ways in which you do this is by snooping every now and then, such as through his emails or texts. You don’t even feel guilty about doing this—you believe it’s your right to protect yourself. The truth is, it’s not fair on the guy to sneak around.
