Your mother brought you into this world. She’s the first person you knew in life, even before you were born. Chances are, you had her on a pedestal when you were young, so it’s difficult to see her now with adult eyes, especially if she was a bit of a narcissist. While you might feel guilty admitting it even to yourself, if you have any of these behaviors as an adult, you’re obviously still paying the price for her behavior.
1. You’re obsessed with seeming perfect in public.
When you and your mom were around other people, she’d give you affection and plenty of praise. Meanwhile, in private, she was moody and critical. What gives? Narcissists are focused on displaying the perfect family image to others, and you might still feel the need to smile and look happy even if you’re not these days.
2. You feel resentful towards your siblings.
Narcissists want to be the center of attention, so your mom might’ve tried to win your attention and foster a fake sense of loyalty with you or your siblings. For example, she might’ve told you secrets about your siblings and made you promise not to tell them. Or, she might’ve done this with your siblings, which caused you to feel jealous of their closeness. To this day, this could still cause issues between you and your brothers and sisters.
3. You feel like you’re not good enough because she had favorites.
Growing up, perhaps you always felt like you weren’t good enough for your mom. It’s not uncommon for narcissistic parents to have favorite kids. They do this to try to get their children to fight for their attention because it makes them feel special. You might still be carrying this feeling around with you that you’re not good enough to be number one on anyone’s list.
4. You’re empathetic to a fault.
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Narcissistic parents want to feel like they’re not alone in their feelings, so they tend to expect their kids to mirror their moods. If you didn’t do this as a kid, your mom might’ve given you the silent treatment to make you feel like you weren’t loyal or good enough. You might’ve learned to take on other people’s feelings, but your empathetic ways could become a stressful burden.
5. You don’t feel confident about making decisions.
Whatever you chose to do in life, your mom always had something negative to say about it. She’d even go one step further and put you down for what you decided for your own life. As an adult, you might still be riddled with self-doubt when making decisions, which could cause you to procrastinate or feel tons of anxiety as you go through life.
6. You struggle to set boundaries.
Narcissists are selfish and violate other people’s boundaries. Maybe when you were a kid, your mom would tell you extremely private information about herself — awkward! Maybe she’d violate your desire for privacy because she didn’t care about your needs. It was all about her, and this can cause you to struggle to set healthy boundaries with others as an adult.
7. You’re afraid of conflict.
Narcissistic parents can keep you on your toes with their ever-changing moods. You probably felt like you had to go the extra mile to keep your mom happy because you were terrified of her anger. Now, as an adult, you might try to avoid conflict in your relationships because it still causes you so much stress and anxiety.
8. You’re afraid of being judged.
Whenever you tried to talk to your mom about your feelings, she never took them seriously. So, if you were angry or hurt, your mom would ignore your emotions, or she’d use this opportunity to criticize you by saying you were being too dramatic. You might still be hiding your real feelings even now out of fear of being judged by others.
9. You’ve become a people-pleaser.
When your mom was happy, she’d be charming and friendly, but when she was in a bad mood, she would take it out on her family, including by being short and hurtful with her comments. It was a rollercoaster! You might’ve taken on the responsibility to help her and keep her happy, which is why you’ve become a people-pleaser in your life, putting others’ needs ahead of yours.
10. You play down your achievements.
When you were a kid, your mom would exploit your success to make herself feel better. She’d show you off to people outside of the family as a way to get an ego boost from your achievements. It really wasn’t about you. Even now, you might feel like you never celebrate your success because you feel insecure or embarrassed.
11. You strive for validation.
Your narcissistic mother was always making you feel guilty. She might’ve guilt-tripped you as a manipulative tactic, such as by saying, “I’ve done so much for you — you can’t do this one thing for me?” This is damaging and can make you experience low self-esteem in adulthood. Maybe you still try to please others because you’re hungry for validation your mom never gave you.
12. You’re riddled with guilt.
Narcissists always try to appear perfect, so they’re quick to blame others when things go wrong. You might’ve been the target of your mom’s blame numerous times during your childhood, even if you never did anything wrong. If so, you probably still feel guilty for things you haven’t done, which is why you’re always apologizing to people.Â
13. You lack self-confidence.
Whether it was your outfit, hairstyle, or manner of speaking, your mom always found things to criticize about you. She behaved like she was perfect and you had to work hard to “fix” yourself. As an adult, you might still feel a lack of self-confidence which has occurred from years of being attacked for everything.
14. You struggle to trust others.
Your mom might’ve trashed your trust because she neglected your needs. Maybe she was so focused on her own needs in life that she totally ignored what you needed from her, which was worsened by how she didn’t acknowledge your feelings. In relationships, you might still feel trusting others is a challenge because you’ve been so hurt.
15. You feel out of control of your life.
It can be difficult to be independent in your life if your narcissistic mother was always trying to control you so that you could be the way she wanted you to be. If you stepped outside of her control, you might’ve been bullied or punished, which made you afraid to express yourself. You might still be carrying that fear of independence as an adult, which can cause you to become too dependent on others for your happiness.
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