We’d been dating for a month and I really liked him. The only thing that worried me was that I was always the one initiating contact with him. It made me wonder what would happen if I just stopped bothering, so I tried it.
I didn’t hear from him for a week. I’d always felt nervous when I didn’t hear from him because I really wanted to talk to him, so I’d go ahead and initiate contact. Without my effort, he took a whole week to get in touch. It showed me just how far down I was on his list of priorities.
He asked why I’d been so quiet. He had the nerve to ask me why I hadn’t been in touch. Um, maybe because he’s a total jerk who’s been wasting my time? Geez. It’s funny how when I stopped making an effort, that’s when he realized he was missing something from his life.
He liked being chased. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but I’d been chasing this guy — hard. I wouldn’t go a maximum of two days without getting in touch. It was ridiculous and he’d been lucky enough to have me there without having to lift a finger. He never actually moved those texts to something more because he just wasn’t into me enough. Taking time away from him showed me that loud and clear.
I’d been the queen of pathetic texts. Reading through old text conversations I’d shared with this guy had made me cringe. I’d been the queen of “What are you up to?” texts, which made me look so desperate and which I’d regularly sent when he’d go AWOL. A lot of the time, I’d been the one trying to keep the conversation going when he’d already checked out of it. No more of that crap!
I decided to give him what he gave me and nothing more. It was a tough one but I decided to talk to him only after he initiated contact. I also started communicating like he did. For example, he never said that he was looking forward to seeing me when he made plans to hang out, so I stopped doing that. I cut out all those smiley-faced emoticons he avoided and texted one-word answers sometimes, just like he would. Texting in his way showed me just how little he’d been giving me — and I’d been accepting it.
He was chilled while I was chasing. I’d been putting a lot of work into our conversations to keep us connected, but I was a one-woman show. He was so relaxed and really just going with the flow. He noticed I wasn’t around anymore when I cut contact, but it took him seven days to get in touch, so it’s not like he’d felt a hole in his life. He didn’t give a crap.
I stopped replying to his messages. It was a huge wakeup call, so I decided to cut all contact again — even if he messaged me first this time. It was really hard. He’d send me a really sweet message and I’d force myself to ignore it or switch my phone off and leave it at home to prevent myself from being tempted to reply.
He pulled out all the stops. It sounds crazy, but he stepped up in a big way when I stopped talking to him and replying to his texts. He even called me a few times, which I ignored. He was only interested in having me around now that he was afraid he was losing me, and sadly, I fell for it.
I believed his lies. I thought maybe he’d learned his lesson and was going to try to be a better person, that maybe he’d realized just how much he liked me and would make more of an effort. The sad thing is that a guy who’s hurt a woman and gets her back doesn’t change — he only learns that he can hurt her and get away with it.
The cycle repeated itself. I started texting him again and he showered me with attention for a few days. Then, he was back to his old tricks, taking ages to reply to my messages or not bothering to get in touch when he didn’t feel like it. Ugh, it sucked, but I was angrier at myself than at him.
I broke it off for good. I learned my lesson with this shady guy, so I cut off all contact and this time I stuck to my plan. It was ridiculous to stick around accepting crumbs from this guy, because I deserved much more than what he was giving me. Without the distraction of his texts, I could finally focus on my life without him and put my energy into relationships and activities that were healthier for me.
Taking a step back is so important and I’m glad I did it. Sometimes relationships can look very different when I’m in them than when I take a step back and look at them objectively. Doing that with this guy showed me what I was really dealing with and how much of a time-waster he was so I could finally dump him for good.
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