I’m Not Looking For Ambiguity—If He’s Not Ready For An Actual Relationship, He Can GTFO

The dating scene is all over the map. Sometimes people want the same thing that I do but we aren’t compatible. Mostly, though, I’ve been finding a whole lot of people that want something totally different than me. I look out for dealbreakers—if a dude isn’t down to build a committed relationship, I’m just not interested.

  1. I’m not up for something casual. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a guy tell me that he’s just looking for something “casual.” This is fine—there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting something noncommittal, but that’s just not what I’m interested in. He has the wrong girl if he wants something casual.
  2. I’m not interested in no strings attached sex. Sometimes, something casual just means that he wants sex without any romantic strings or relationship commitments. That’s never going to happen with me. I’m not interested in purely fooling around; I want something much more substantial than that to happen between us. I’ve done the whole fooling around thing and it just made me realize that all I ever truly want is a nice relationship.
  3. I’m not cool with ambiguity. Most importantly, I need to know what’s going on. If he just wants someone to fool around with and be casual with, that’s cool—he should just tell me so that I can bounce. More than anything, I hate not knowing what’s going on between me and someone else. Ambiguity leaves me in the dark wondering what the heck is happening, and then I’m left even more upset when the answer isn’t one that I want.
  4. There are plenty of girls who want these things. I’m obviously not the only girl around and we all want different things. I’m sure there are plenty of other women who’d be cool with doing the casual thing—I’m just not one of them. He shouldn’t be dating me if he’s looking for casual, he should be going after a girl who’s definitely down with a non-committal kind of relationship. 
  5. I’m looking for someone to spend forever with. I’ve been talking about all that I’m not interested in, but to be explicit, I’m in the dating game for a long-term relationship. I’m going through all the fuss of online and real-life dating so that I can find a sweet partner to settle down with. I’m looking to build a relationship together, so I want to know from the beginning that this is what he wants, too. 
  6. I want commitment. I need crystal clear commitment when the time comes in dating. I’m not expecting commitment right out of the gate, but I want someone who’s looking for a relationship too so that committing isn’t an issue when we do get more serious. Being able to commit is absolutely a non-negotiable for me. Someone who balks at the idea of committing to anything serious isn’t the person for me.
  7. I refuse to budge on what my needs are. We can negotiate what we’re going to eat together, but I refuse to negotiate the terms of a potential relationship. I’m in it to build a romantic relationship with commitment. I won’t give the whole casual thing a shot and I refuse to sit around wondering what we are. Instead, I need to see that my needs are met or I’m out and that’s that. It may seem like stubbornness, but in reality, I’m just being true to myself and what I want.
  8. I’m sticking to my values. My values are tremendously important to me. They’re who I am as a person and they’re why I won’t budge on my needs. I value self-respect, care, and compassion. My needs and values go hand and hand—I refuse to abandon either of them. The right guy will respect that I feel this way and his values will either align with mine or he’ll respect mine enough to not mind.
  9. My expectations are reasonable. To some people, it may sound as if I’m being stiff, but the reality is that my expectations are totally reasonable. Anything I need would be reasonable, but wanting a relationship is particularly understandable. So is refusing to settle for anything less. It’d be totally different if I was expecting someone to do a bunch of crazy things and to be certain ways, but my ask is simple and reasonable.
  10. It’s exhausting waiting for someone. While I’m waiting for Mister (or Miss) right, I’m exhausted with the dating scene. It’s so tiring to desire a relationship and have men tell me over and over again that they just want something casual or want nothing at all. Nonetheless, I keep hoping and waiting.
  11. Someday I’ll find someone who’ll meet my expectations. I hold out hope that I’ll meet someone who’s both compatible with me and has the same desired to be coupled up in a committed relationship that I do. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I believe that there’s someone out there who’ll meet my expectations and will desire to be my partner.
Ginelle has been writing professionally for more than six years and has a bachelor’s degree in digital marketing & design. Her writing has appeared on Birdie, Thought Catalog, Tiny Buddha and more. You can follow her on Instagram @ginelletesta, via her Facebook page, or through her website at ginelletesta.com.