If He Can’t Get Deep In These 10 Ways, He’s Terrible At Intimacy

Your boyfriend hugs you and kisses you and has deep conversations with you, so you would think that it’s safe to assume that he’s down with intimacy—but not so fast. There are some guys out there who are extremely good at covering up their deep-seated fear of intimacy while being terrified of getting close to you underneath that sparkling facade. Here are 10 signs your boyfriend is one of them.

  1. He tells little white lies. These lies are seemingly harmless and actual pretty pointless but the fact that he’s even telling them is proof that he doesn’t feel safe just being himself around you. It might be a little lie about his past, about what happened at work that day, or even a little lie about what brand of soda he prefers. He’s not lying because he’s up to something suspicious, he’s lying because he doesn’t think he’s good enough to be around you. It’s kinda sad, actually.
  2. He never gets mad at you. When he’s in a relationship, he’s in a constant state of fear of losing you so there’s no way he’s gonna risk making things worse by getting mad or showing you that he’s anything less than perfect. People who are afraid of intimacy will put on a mask of “everything is OK” because they’re afraid of driving their partners away. If you guys literally never fight, it might be a sign that he’s protecting himself from getting hurt.
  3. He rarely lets you come over to his house. He’s insecure about what you’ll think of his abode. Remember, he’s afraid of intimacy which means he’s afraid of letting people in only to get let down. In his mind, it’s safer to spend time at your house so he doesn’t risk driving you away when you see the crazy amount of dirty socks on the floor.
  4. Everything’s always “fine.” You guys have a suspiciously perfect relationship. People who are afraid of intimacy are REALLY good at the lovey-dovey fairytale stuff. What they’re NOT good at is sticking by their partner even when things get rough. Not because they’re jerks but because they’re afraid of being abandoned. As long as they create the illusion that the relationship is going great, you’ll stick with them not knowing that underneath the surface, they’re bubbling with fear.
  5. You were the one who said “I love you” first. There’s no way in hell a person who’s afraid of intimacy will be able to say those three precious words first. The risk is just far too great. He’ll probably stress that it’s too soon and that you’ll freak out and break up with him if he says it, or that you’ll get even more attached and he’ll let you down. It’s a no-win situation.
  6. It took you forever to meet his parents. You had to beg him for days to bring you to meet his family—either that or you haven’t even met them yet. A guy who’s afraid of intimacy will put this off for as long as possible. He wouldn’t want you to get weirded out by his crazy parents or rude older brother. It’s safer to just keep you away.
  7. Certain subjects are off-limits with him. There are certain things that he just can’t talk about. Whether it’s high school, his parents, his ex-girlfriend, aa random aunt… if he literally can’t get the words out when you bring up one of his taboo subjects, he’s ashamed about something and doesn’t feel safe telling you (or anyone, for that matter) about it. He’s got secrets that may or may not be a big deal (probably not) and they’re keeping him from getting close to you.
  8. He sleeps WAY on the other side of the bed. He needs his privacy even when you guys are sleeping in the same bed. He’s not always down to cuddle, especially if he’s deep in thought. It’s understandable to want some alone time, but you’ll find that he wants to spend more time by himself than he does with you and it’s just because he’s not always ready to put on his “relationship game face” for you.
  9. He hasn’t had a lot of long-term relationships. When you ask him about his past, you’ll find out that he’s never had a long-term serious girlfriend because he’s never let it get to that point. This guy either rarely dates or has an impressive string of quick relationships, most of which only lasted a month or so.
  10. He had a traumatic childhood. If he’s afraid of intimacy, he also probably had a difficult childhood. He learned from a very young age that the people closest to him can and WILL leave/betray/hurt him, so he’d better behave accordingly. This is why a guy who’s afraid of intimacy will either be really distant and act like he doesn’t care or will totally hold onto you for dear life and answer to your every need.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.