I Convince Myself Every Person I Date Is “The One” & It’s A Real Problem

Whenever I meet someone who’s cute and nice and any combination of other positive things, I think they may be “The One.” I feel they’re the perfect person I’ve been searching for and I immediately start to fantasize about everything that could be between us in my head. It isn’t healthy and I’m trying to stop doing it but it’s so hard.

It starts with a cute/funny/nice person.

I meet someone who’s attractive, funny, kind, or any other combination of lovable traits. They could be an awesome person or a total tool—my judgment isn’t always the best. Nonetheless, they’re usually cute at the very least. All it takes is someone with some of these traits and I’m off thinking that maybe they might be “The One” for me.

My head spins off into space.

I meet these people and I start to think about all the possibilities that could ever be. What if we got married? Do they like me? Do they think I’m as cute as I think they are? I have a hard time staying grounded in reality and I hope that we can be together even though I don’t even know them.

I obsess about them.

It won’t just be one flurry of thoughts then it’s over. Instead, it’s a pain-in-the-butt obsession with someone that’s burning. The thoughts continue to whirl through my head, not stopping even when it’s time to stop thinking about them (like when I’m at work or with my friends). Once my mind latches onto someone, it’s hard for me to pry it away.

I may or may not act on it.

More often than not, I don’t act on it. I have these little obsessions and I let themselves run their course. However, every once in a while, I’ll make a move. Sometimes that’s as simple as adding them on Facebook and other times it’s straight-up asking them out (this only happened once). When I act on it, I usually come to find that we actually aren’t even compatible and I was just infatuated with a fantasy.

  • It’s not healthy. Obviously, this sort of thinking is problematic. Obsessing about anyone can’t be healthy, nevermind also getting swept up in fantasy thinking. At least I’m aware of it, right? Then I can start working on it. Some people have these unhealthy habits and never look twice at them. They bug me, though.

    This probably stems from loneliness.

    I likely just feel alone whether I have a partner or not, so I resort to this behavior when I’m on my own. Being lonely makes me latch onto the idea of others because sitting with my discomfort of being by myself is hard. It’s way easier (and more exciting) to think about all the possibilities that a new person could bring.

    Even if they act weird, I make excuses.

    Most recently, someone I was fantasizing about said something completely politically incorrect and offensive. I’m sensitive to that kind of stuff. Still, I had a hard time letting go of my fantasy because I build someone up in my head. It’s like ignoring red flags and making excuses for them instead! I tried to tell myself that maybe he doesn’t normally say that and it just slipped out. I have to be smarter know when they definitely aren’t “the one!

    It’s like I’m trying to fill a hole.

    Being an addict, I’ve grown to feel there’s a hole in my soul that needs constant care and love. I think more realistically, we all have some sort of void that we try to fill. I can do this with substances, food, people, and more. People are an easy one for me, though, because they’re pretty readily available. They’re especially so because of dating apps.

    I think fairytales do this to us.

    I can’t be the only person who looks at someone and/or interacts with them and thinks they could be “The One.” I think fairytales program us to look around for that single person who’s going to either save the day or make us happy forever. Screw those fairytales because that’s just not how life works and yet they still have me believing they’re real.

    Does “The One” even really exist?

    I’m skeptical that there is even such a thing as “The One.” I think that there may be many people who are meant to be in our lives who teach us lessons and shower us with love. Perhaps some people find someone to settle down with for the rest of their life, but with divorce rates in the US, even this is unlikely. Who knows, maybe there’s that person for some people, but I’m not going to sit around and wait for them. There’s a good chance I won’t meet “The One,” so why not live my life?

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