There’s A Difference Between Being Picky & Being Judgmental

There’s A Difference Between Being Picky & Being Judgmental ©iStock/mapodile

Whether you’ve been single for a month or a year, you’ve probably been told that you’re “too picky.” You shrug it off, because you know you’re not – why is it crazy to want to actually like someone? However, sometimes we make snap judgments about guys before we really get to know them, and that’s where things start to go wrong.

  1. Being picky means not settling. Let’s just clear this one up: if you’re picky, that means you’re not interested in dating or jumping into bed with just anyone. That’s a good thing. You would rather die than settle for the wrong guy.
  2. You analyze, you don’t judge. It really bugs me how people throw the term “judgmental” around. There’s a huge gap between making a nasty comment about someone (saying you hate their hair color or outfit, for example) and analyzing a guy you just met. If you have a list of qualities that you want your boyfriend to have, there’s nothing wrong with that, and you’re just being the good kind of picky.
  3. We’re all a little bit picky. It seems like single women get a bad rap for picking and choosing who they want to date, yet I’m pretty sure that men do the exact same thing. If you’ve ever had a seemingly good first date and then never heard from the guy again, wasn’t he being picky? That’s totally fine. That’s basically what dating is for. So the next time someone uses this word as if it’s an insult, take it as a complement.
  4. Sometimes judging is necessary. We may strive to be kind human beings but that doesn’t mean that truly awful dates don’t happen and that we don’t meet some horrible people. If your date is sexist or racist, you’re going to judge them and think they’re totally off base – and that’s exactly what you should be doing.
  5. Critical thinking is a good thing. Didn’t we all pull all-nighters and spend weekends holed up in the library so we could learn the art of critical thinking? Our education cost a lot of money, so let’s not waste it by confusing being picky and actually unfairly judging someone.
  6. No one is perfect. Even the guys you’ve dated. Especially the guys you’ve dated, actually. Even if you like someone the first time you meet them, you know they have flaws, whether you’ve seen them or they’ve yet to appear. So if no one is perfect, you’re bound to get kind of picky about the kind of person you want to be with. It’s just natural.
  7. Don’t apologize for your observations. At the end of the day, all we’re doing when we’re sizing up a potential partner is observing them. There’s nothing wrong with that. You should be glad that you’re able to make some sharp, smart observations.
  8. People should be more judgmental, not less. Hear me out: how many of your friends’ boyfriends do you actually like? I rest my case. There are lots of crappy people out there who find themselves in relationships anyway, either because the other person has no idea about their true nature or is simply ignoring any red flags. There are certain times when a little judgment would go a long way and actually ensure you end up in a good relationship.
  9. It’s better to be picky now rather than later. If you ever feel guilty for turning down yet another second date, stop right there. Wouldn’t you rather turn the guy down gently today rather than date him two years despite your gut instinct? We all have ideas about the type of partner that we want, and while a certain amount of things should be left up to fate and chance, the only thing we can actually control in the early stages is whether we want to see this person again. So don’t worry, you’re on the right track. You’ll be glad you were so picky when you do finally meet someone who’s worth it.
Aya Tsintziras is a freelance lifestyle writer and editor from Toronto, Canada. In addition to writing about dating and relationships for Bolde, she also writes about movies, TV, and video games for ScreenRant and GameRant. She has a Political Science degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters of Journalism from Ryerson University. You can find her on Twitter @ayatsintziras and on Instagram @aya.tsintziras.