Your friend seems to agree with you but you get the feeling they’re lying. Or, they say they’re happy but their body language is giving you little clues that this isn’t the case. Dealing with a passive-aggressive person can be tricky and frustrating because you never know what they really feel. Here’s how you’re dealing with someone whose passive-aggressive tendencies are downright toxic.
1. They love giving you the silent treatment.
The person might leave you on “read” for days without replying to your message, or maybe they avoid talking to you even though they’ve said everything is fine. This is their passive-aggressive way of showing that they’re mad or annoyed, but they don’t have the courage to be direct and upfront about it.
2. They’re the king or queen of backhanded compliments.
While the person might seem to be giving you a compliment at first, they always tack something onto the end to completely erase the niceness of their comment. For instance, they might say, “I love that shirt! I’m not used to seeing you all cleaned up.” Wow, way to be a jerk!
3. They’re the only person in the room having a bad time.
When everyone else is smiling, laughing, and having fun, the passive-aggressive person avoids smiling — in fact, they usually look like they’re miserable and sulking about it. You might feel confused about what’s wrong with them and what they’re feeling, but don’t expect them to communicate it directly. They’d rather keep you guessing.
4. They’re faking it.
Being fake is a big trait of passive-aggressive people. They don’t express what they feel, which prevents them from being genuine. So, they might seem like they want to help you plan your birthday party, but you later find out they told a mutual friend that they really can’t be bothered. Their people-pleasing is done to avoid conflict, but it’s unsettling.
5. They try to look perfect in the workplace.
On the surface, a passive-aggressive person appears to be working hard at the office. Meanwhile, they may be secretly throwing people under the bus to get ahead or lying about having everything under control when really, they’re drowning in an intense workload they really can’t handle. They never come right out and say what they want and where they’re at, and it’s hard to deal with.
6. They never admit when they’re angry.
A passive-aggressive person won’t admit that they’re feeling angry, even if they’re furious. They want to avoid conflict, so they’ll secretly seethe and make everyone feel uncomfortable. In a weird way, making people second-guess them gives them a feeling of power.
7. They express themselves physically.
If they’re angry or frustrated, instead of verbally expressing it, they might resort to releasing physical energy, such as by huffing and puffing, crossing their arms, or slamming doors or objects. Again, this is done to indirectly express what they’re feeling, but yet again, you’re left trying to figure them out. It’s draining!
8. They sigh or groan to show their disapproval.
When chatting to someone who’s passive-aggressive, it’s worth noting the sounds they make during conversation. When you offer them advice, for instance, you might hear them sigh or groan to hint that they’re not keen to hear what you have to say. These little cues can tell you a lot about what they really feel.
9. They hint about what they want.
Passive-aggressive people aren’t direct, so you have to try to fish for any clues into what they’re thinking. For instance, if they want you to wash the dishes, they’ll hint by continuing to look at the sink that’s filled with dirty dishes instead of asking you to clean them. Why can’t they just speak up?
10. They procrastinate to get out of doing things.
Someone with toxic passive-aggressive tendencies might try to take their time to do things so they don’t have to do them. This delaying tactic helps them to miss deadlines without hurting anyone’s feelings. They might also use weaponized incompetence to get out of having to do things — you’ll be so annoyed that you’ll just take over and do it yourself!
11. They keep score of little grievances.
If you get into an argument with a passive-aggressive person, they might say that the issue’s been resolved, but you can never be sure. That’s what’s so toxic. They might be keeping score of what you’ve done to hurt them, which they’ll bring to your attention later, during a bigger fight.
12. They pretend everything’s fine when it’s not.
Since passive-aggressive people can be dishonest, it’s challenging to build a bond with them in any kind of relationship, romantic or platonic, because you never know exactly where they stand or what they’re thinking. What makes matters worse is when they say they’re “fine” but you know in your gut they’re not.
13. They don’t like you when you’re direct and clear.
The funny thing is that while toxic passive-aggressive people don’t like to speak clearly and directly out of a fear of conflict, they also don’t appreciate it when other people do! It gets on their nerves, perhaps because it puts them on the spot. They’re happy being more underhanded, so why isn’t everyone else?
14. They claim you “misunderstand” them all the time.
When you confront a passive-aggressive person to get to the bottom of an issue, like if they gave you a backhanded compliment and it hurt your feelings, they’ll claim that they didn’t mean anything bad by it — you just took it the wrong way. They love to say that you misunderstood them. It’s so infuriating!
15. They ghost people they don’t like.
Since they try to avoid direct communication, they prefer to disappear from friends or romantic partners instead of giving them closure. They want to avoid conflict and just keep moving on.
16. They love venting, instead of dealing with problems.
A toxic, passive-aggressive person is always working behind the scenes. Instead of dealing with problems head-on, they’ll vent to a third party so they don’t have to face their issues. They tend to vent and lose their cool in private, but then appear perfectly fine in public.
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