I’m Generally Super Chill… Except When I’m In A Relationship

In my daily life, I come off as totally cool, calm and collected—and I totally am… until I get into a relationship. Then all that relaxed confidence goes flying out the window.

  1. I freak over the tiniest glimmer of my partner pulling away. It really doesn’t take much for me to lose my cool. One canceled date, one missed text, one half-hearted “I love you” and my mind is off to the races. Most people enter their new relationships with a sense of hope and trust that it’ll all work out. I enter immediately scanning for possible signs of termination. It’s exhausting, but it’s something that I literally can’t control.
  2. I’m confident in every other area of my life except this one. There’s something about getting into a relationship that worries me to no end. I’m totally chill when it comes to job-related stuff, family stuff, etc. Nothing really ruffles my feathers like starting a new relationship. For some reason, I feel threatened by the whole thing, like it’s gonna blow up in my face at any moment. I don’t want to be that girl with trust issues, but it looks like I am.
  3. I blame it on my unreliable parents. Growing up, my parents were never there for me and according to attachment theory, that can cause you to grow up incapable of trusting anyone to be able to fulfill your needs and take care of you. My mom worked all day and my dad ignored me the majority of the time, so I guess that taught me to always be on guard in relationships.
  4. No amount of reassurance can talk me out of my anxiety. It doesn’t matter if my boyfriend tells me that there’s nothing to worry about—in my mind, there is. He could replace me at any moment. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He could just up and ghost. He could cheat on me, get bored of me… who knows?
  5. Every other woman he talks to is a threat. I’m notorious for being the jealous girlfriend. If I see my boyfriend talking to another woman, I instantly compare myself with her. If I can confirm that I’m more attractive/better than her, then I can relax a bit. If not,  really start spiraling. I’ve lost many a boyfriend to these jealous episodes.
  6. I’m convinced this is the reason why I can’t maintain relationships. I’ve never had a real long-term relationship. The longest I’ve been with someone is probably nine months. I never seem to make it past the honeymoon period and I guess once the guy finds out how insecure I am about the relationship, he starts to worry too.
  7. Maybe I’m just choosing the wrong people. I had the thought the other day that maybe I’m just choosing fickle, aloof, unlovable people to date, but I don’t think that’s the reason behind all this. I’ve dated a wide array of personalities, ages, and types. It can’t be that they all have some inherent agenda to ruin my life. I think I’m just assuming the worst of them before they even get a chance to prove themselves.
  8. There’s just so much at stake. Relationships are a high-stakes situation for me. I can’t just date someone casually. If I’m dating someone, it’s because I believe there’s potential there. I don’t just date for fun, so maybe this explains my anxiety surrounding the whole thing. I’m a true romantic and losing the love of my life is just too much to bear.
  9. If I feel like I’m being ignored, I lose it. Nothing gets me more anxious than when my partner is unresponsive to me because I know what that means. It means that they’re doubting the relationship and will probably dump me in a matter of days. It’s happened so many times to me already so I’m always on the edge of my seat just waiting for it to happen again.
  10. Even if the guy was perfect, I’d find a way to be worried. Even if the guy I’m with is a total saint, pays attention to me, and does everything right, I’d still find a way to be anxious because it’s the sheer nature of relationships that make me nervous. There’s no for sure sort of trajection to how things are going to end up and that’s too nerve-wracking for me to deal with.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.