When relationships end, we want to be able to wrap our heads around the reasons why. Could it have been prevented? Was it something you did? The sad thing is that sometimes, no matter how badly you want to perform an autopsy on the relationship, your ex may be unwilling to give you the closure you deserve. Thankfully, there are ways you can find closure on your own and properly close the door on that story.
Let your emotions flow without shame or judgment.
When you’re feeling rejected or hurting after a breakup, so many feelings can come rushing to the surface. You can’t stop wondering what you did wrong and it seems like no one else will ever make you feel the way they did. It’s okay to feel however you feel. Missing them, being angry or emotionally devastated, all of that is normal. Being true to your emotions instead of burying them will allow you to healthily process them.
Decide what you’re truly looking for.
Although it seems like you can’t move past the wall of pain until your ex gives you closure, what you really want is some kind of emotional shift. Think about what would make you feel better. Do you want closure because you want a chance to hurt them as they’ve hurt you? Do you want to know if you made the relationship out to be more than what it was? Is there something you need to say that you didn’t get a chance to? Do you just want them back? If you know exactly why you’re seeking closure, it’d be easier to work towards it.
Write a letter to them that you’re never going to send.
Writing down your thoughts and feelings about the situation can be a great way to process it, grieve, and gain a sense of freedom. Write down all the things you’re mad at them for as well as things you wish to make amends for. Write down anything you wish you could say to them. Forgive them for what you can and end the letter with a sincere goodbye. Read the letter aloud to yourself, then tear it up or delete it once you’re done. This will ensure you don’t send it or obsess over it over and over.
Talk about your feelings with some close friends.
If there’s ever a time you need the love and support of the people around you, it’s when you’re going through a difficult period. Opening up to your close friends can be a way to process everything that’s happened so you can begin healing. If you don’t have close friends you can discuss stuff like this with, consider confiding in a therapist, counselor, or mentor. They can offer you a shoulder to cry on and help you see your situation in a new light.
Step away from unhealthy patterns.
Even if it’s all you feel like doing, sitting around all day crying and wallowing in your misery is not going to help you find closure. The more you wallow and obsess, the more pain you’re going to bring your way. Take some time to grieve and think about what you’ve lost, then pick yourself up to do something more fulfilling. Exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, go out and try to have fun, and just take care of yourself.
Accept that you deserve better.
It is easy to blame yourself when your ex is shutting you out, especially if you feel like you contributed to their reaction in some way. As long as you didn’t do anything truly terrible to warrant ghosting, stonewalling, or the silent treatment, you don’t deserve to be treated that way. If they can’t respect your feelings in the end, they never much cared for you to begin with.
Stop reaching out.
What has happened has happened. You can’t undo any of it. If your ex doesn’t want to talk to you or clear the air about why the relationship ended, stop giving them room to keep disappointing you. If you’re obsessing over getting closure from an ex, it’s because you don’t want to let go of a relationship that’s already dead. If they’re meant to be in your life, they’ll find their way back someday. For now, let go of the uncertainty and start moving forward.
Rediscover your passions.
Everyone has something that makes them feel good. Go to your happy place. If it’s your work, volunteering. painting, or building your community, throw yourself into whatever it is you’re passionate about. If you haven’t discovered your passions or purpose yet, now is the time to do so. Try out new experiences. Write down the things you’ve always wanted to do and started ticking them off your list.
Forgive yourself for the part you played.
The hardest part of moving on is coming to terms with the fact that you may not be ready to and you still love your ex despite how much they’ve hurt you. Maybe you wasted so much time running after them and trying to mend things when you should have just let go. It sucks, but forgiving yourself for being human can be all you need to find closure.
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