If you’re anything like me, you hate feeling any kind of unrest in your relationship. Obviously, there are going to be disagreements and arguments, but most of them tend to pass over quickly. But what do you do if you’re fighting about something more serious that can’t just be forgotten about? Whether or not you’re the one in the wrong, here’s how to make up after a fight so you can move forward.
1. Cool off before trying to resolve things.
Jumping into a conversation while the embers of the argument are still hot? Worst idea ever. Take a breather. Let those emotions simmer down. You’re not running away from the problem; you’re giving it the space it needs so you can approach it with a level head. Go for a run, hit the gym, listen to your favorite album, or just sit quietly. The point is to get yourself out of that red zone where anger or hurt is doing all the talking. When you come back to the table, you’ll be able to have a discussion instead of a shouting match. Cooling off ensures that when you do talk, it’s constructive rather than destructive.
2. Reflect on what happened.
This step is about looking at the big picture. What went down? Why did it escalate? It’s easy to get caught up in the ‘he said, she said’, but try to see beyond that. Was it a misunderstanding? Stress? Clashing values? Reflecting isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about understanding the dynamics at play. This understanding is critical. It helps you see not just the surface ‘what’ of the fight, but the deeper ‘why’. And that’s where real solutions lie. Think about how the argument made you feel, what buttons were pushed, and why. This reflection can be eye-opening, revealing patterns or issues you weren’t aware of.
3. Take responsibility for your part in the argument.
Whether it was your fault or not, chances are you played some role in the fight. Owning up to that is vital. If you were wrong, admit it. No justifications, no excuses. A sincere acknowledgment of your mistake shows maturity and respect. It’s about taking responsibility for your actions and their impact, regardless of your intentions. And if the fight wasn’t your fault? You can still acknowledge how you might have contributed to the escalation or how your actions could have been misinterpreted. This isn’t about taking blame for something you didn’t do. It’s about acknowledging that fights are rarely one-sided and that understanding each other’s perspectives is key to better communication. (If communication in relationships is something you struggle with, our sister company, Sweetn, can help with that. They’re all about using your mind to upgrade your love life in some amazing ways. Check them out here.)
4. Try and lead with empathy, as hard as it might be.
Now, when you’re ready to talk, put on your empathy hat. Try to see things from their perspective. It’s tough, especially if you think you’re in the right. But remember, they’re coming from somewhere too. Empathy doesn’t mean you agree with them; it means you’re trying to understand them. It softens the ground for a conversation, making it less about defending your turf and more about mutual understanding. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were in their shoes. This isn’t just about understanding their feelings, but also their thought process, their values, and their experiences that shape their reactions.
5. Talk about yourself rather than accusing them.
When you do talk, frame your thoughts and feelings with “I” statements. This is Conflict Resolution 101. Instead of saying “You always ignore my calls,” try “I feel worried and neglected when my calls go unanswered.” See the difference? It’s less about accusing and more about expressing how their actions impact you. This approach reduces defensiveness and opens up space for honest communication. It’s not about tiptoeing around the issue, but rather about addressing it in a way that’s less likely to spark another round of arguments.
6. Listen instead of talking over them.
Active listening is an art. It’s about really hearing what the other person is saying, not just waiting for your turn to speak. When they’re talking, focus on their words, their tone, their body language. What are they really trying to say? Sometimes, what’s not said is just as important as what is. This step isn’t just about understanding their point of view, but also showing that you value their feelings and opinions. It’s a sign of respect. And often, just feeling heard can go a long way in diffusing tension.
7. Don’t keep bringing up the past.
This is a tough one, but try to keep the conversation focused on the current issue. Dragging past arguments into the mix is like throwing gasoline on a fire. It’s tempting, especially if you feel like those issues were never properly resolved. But it complicates things, turning a single disagreement into a whole saga. Stick to the here and now.
8. Find something(s) you can agree upon.
In most arguments, there’s some common ground. Maybe you both feel misunderstood, or you both want the same thing but have different ideas on how to get there. Finding that common ground can be the bridge over troubled water. It shifts the conversation from ‘you vs. me’ to ‘us vs. the problem’. Look for those shared values, shared goals, or shared concerns. Once you find them, use them as the foundation to build your resolution.
9. Say you’re sorry (and mean it).
If you messed up, apologize. And no half-baked apologies either. A genuine “I’m sorry” can work wonders. But it’s got to be real. Explain what you’re sorry for, and why. Show that you understand the impact of your actions. And if you’re on the receiving end of an apology, accept it graciously. A sincere apology is an offer of peace; accept it as such. And if it’s not your fault? You can still apologize for the fact that the fight happened and the upset it caused. It’s not about admitting fault; it’s about expressing regret that things got out of hand.
10. Figure out ways to avoid fighting in the future.
Once the air is cleared, talk about how to prevent similar fights in the future. This is where your reflection and understanding of the root causes come into play. Maybe you need clearer communication, or maybe there are specific triggers to avoid. This conversation is about building a stronger, more resilient relationship. It’s about learning from the fight, not just moving past it. Think of it as a collaborative effort to bulletproof your relationship against similar conflicts.
11. Give it time.
Making up doesn’t always mean things go back to normal immediately. Sometimes, it takes time for wounds to heal, for trust to rebuild. Be patient. Don’t rush the process. Give each other space to process and recover. It’s okay if things feel a bit awkward or strained for a while. Healing, like growth, often happens slowly. Be gentle with each other and with yourself during this time.
12. Rebuild trust and intimacy.
After a fight, especially a big one, you might need to rebuild trust and intimacy. This could mean spending more quality time together, being more open and vulnerable with each other, or simply showing more affection. It’s about reconnecting and reaffirming your bond. It’s about showing, not just telling, that you’re committed to making things work. This step is about strengthening your relationship, making it more resilient and deeper than before.
13. Know when to ask for help.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you can’t seem to move past certain issues. If you find yourself in a cycle of constant, unresolved arguments, it might be time to seek help from a professional. Couples counseling or therapy isn’t a sign of defeat; it’s a sign of commitment to resolving issues that you can’t handle alone. A neutral third party can offer insights, tools, and strategies that you might not have considered. It’s about giving your relationship the support it needs to thrive.
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