I Don’t Want A Boyfriend I Have To Train — He Should Know How To Treat Me Without Being Told

When it comes to finding love, I don’t feel like I’m all that picky. I don’t care how tall he is, how much money he makes (as long as he has a job), or if he has a six-pack. I just want a grown man who wants the same things as I do out of life and who knows how to treat me. I’m really not looking for a boyfriend I have to train — he should come to me already knowing how to have an adult relationship. Is that too much to ask?

  1. I’m his girlfriend, not his mother. I don’t have kids for a reason — I don’t want them. It’s not in my nature to want to teach or guide people, children or otherwise, how to behave. The idea of having to train a boyfriend how to be an equal partner who’s supportive, thoughtful, affectionate, and loyal makes me want to bang my head against a brick wall.
  2. I’m not his first girlfriend. He’s dated other women before me, so how did he act with them? Did he not learn anything from his previous relationships? Being with his past girlfriends, no matter how those situations ended, should have been enough to train him to be a better boyfriend by now. There’s no excuse for acting like he has no idea what to do.
  3. It’s really not that hard. Being a good partner isn’t rocket science. Most women aren’t unreasonable when it comes to what we’re looking for. I can honestly say that as long as a guy knows how to communicate, treats me with respect and consideration, and makes an effort to keep our relationship thriving just like I do, I’ll be happy. I’m not asking for heaven and earth here.
  4. I’m ready for a real relationship and he should be too. I’m in my 30s now, which means I’ve had all my fun of playing the field, casual dating, yada yada. These days, I’m looking for something with more long-term potential, someone I can possibly build and spend the rest of my life with. Having to train a guy on how to be a boyfriend is like taking 10 giant steps backward and it’s just not something I’m willing to do anymore.
  5. I’ve wasted enough time already. I’ve dated guys in the past that needed to be taught how to be good partners. I had the utmost patience, I was generous with my time and energy, and I extended a lot of grace and forgiveness their way when they messed up. Inevitably, every last one of those guys screwed me over in the end, either by simply deciding they couldn’t be bothered to be in a relationship anymore or cheating on me and putting all the things I taught them into practice with another woman. For this reason (among others), I refuse to train any guy to be a boyfriend again in the future.

More reasons I refuse to train a guy to be a decent boyfriend

  1. It’s just an excuse for not wanting to put in the effort. How is it that I’ve made it through three decades of life and managed to figure out how to treat people well but he’s somehow clueless about it? Unless he’s been living under a rock, there’s literally no excuse for acting like being a good partner is just somehow out of his pool of knowledge. Every time I’ve dated a guy who “didn’t know” how to be a decent boyfriend and expected me to train him ultimately just wanted me to pull all the weight in the relationship. Nuh-uh.
  2. It sets a pretty bad precedent. If I start a relationship with a guy by having to train him how to be a good boyfriend, I’m basically guaranteeing that the rest of the relationship will be led by me. I’ll have to take charge of everything all the time and even thinking about that is emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership of equals and I don’t want anything less.
  3. I wouldn’t expect my boyfriend to train me. If I legitimately felt confused about what makes a good partner and how I should behave in a relationship, I would take time to work through that before I actually got in one. I wouldn’t expect my boyfriend to do the grunt work in making me relationship-ready. That’s just not anyone else’s responsibility.
  4. I want someone who’s on my level. This really is the bottom line here. When I’m in a relationship, I really do give it my all. I try to make sure my partner feels loved, supported, cared for, as well as free to be himself and continue to grow and evolve as a person. I’m trustworthy, reliable, considerate, and able to accept when I mess up and do my best to fix it. Wanting a guy who offers me the same in return shouldn’t be a big deal. I’m not asking for anything I’m not offering in return.
  5. If he’s not up to the task, some guy out there will be. At the end of the day, if I have to train a guy to be my boyfriend, I might as well move on to one who’s already there. I’m aware of the fact that I bring a lot to the table and I want my partner to recognize that too. If he doesn’t, there’s someone out there who will. I think I’ll go and find him instead.


Bolde has been a source of dating and relationship advice for single women around the world since 2014. We combine scientific data, experiential wisdom, and personal anecdotes to provide help and encouragement to those frustrated by the journey to find love. Follow us on Instagram @bolde_media or on Facebook @BoldeMedia