I Refuse To Have Sex With Someone Unless These 14 Things Happen

I have no trouble admitting that I’m high-maintenance about sex. I have certain demands and “sexpectations,” if you will. I won’t just settle for great sex unless there are other amazing things happening with the guy. Basically, I want to know that sex is just one part of a potentially amazing relationship and I won’t waste my time on a guy who’s just looking for some horizontal action. Here are 14 things I need before we head to the bedroom.

  1. We can talk the talk. I want to know the guy really well inside and out, and not just between the covers. I want to feel that we have a good understanding of each other before we go to bed together. This is so I know that he’s not a total douchebag (always useful) but also so that we’re on the same page. I don’t want to jump out of bed after sex because I’ve just found out he’s only 21 or a sexist loser.
  2. I know his sexual history. He’s opened up to me about his sexual history and I’ve done the same. No, I don’t need to know his number, but I do need to know what kind of sexual stuff he’s done. If he’s been with over 200 women, has had loads of one-night-stands or gone to prostitutes, it’s not happening for me.
  3. We’ve kissed a lot. Kissing is such a huge sign of chemistry! I want to spend more time kissing, not just using it as part of foreplay. If a guy can spend hours kissing me without it having to lead to sex, he’s a keeper. Besides, kissing is one of the most intimate things two people can do.
  4. We’re properly dating. He’s putting effort into dates. He’s not just “chilling out” at my place, for goodness’ sake. He’s keen to do couple things together, like go to interesting restaurants and trying new things, like a fun cooking class. Basically, it shows me he’s after the experience, not treating dates like ways to get a hookup.
  5. He can be alone with me. He’s invited me to his home and he didn’t try to grab me the second I walked through the door. He really enjoys spending time with me, chatting to me and having fun with our clothes on. If it feels like it’s just about sex, I refuse to even go there.
  6. He spat it out. He’s been open about what he wants in life and what he’s looking for in a relationship. He’s clear about this so that I know sex isn’t just a fling or one-night stand with him. When I feel secure in a relationship, sex is something I really look forward to!
  7. He’s said the “e” word. Exclusive! I only want to have sex with someone after he’s made it crystal clear that he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with me and I’ve dated him for long enough to feel I can trust him. I don’t share.
  8. I know the breakup 411. He’s opened up to me about his last relationship and why he and his girlfriend broke up, while making it clear that he’s not interested in her at all. See, this is important to me because I don’t want to have sex with someone and think we’re in a relationship only to find out I was just there to keep his bed warm until his ex got back on the scene.
  9. He’s given me real compliments. He hasn’t just told me that he loves my body (hello, my brains are up here?!) but he’s given me compliments that really mean more, like ones about my intelligence and personality traits. That’s when I know the guy is looking for something real because he’s paying real attention.
  10. He’s off the app. If we met on a dating app or he’s commented that he’s been on apps before, he’s got to make it clear to me that he’s deleted his dating profiles. I’m not someone’s option or one of five bed buddies he rotates every Saturday night – I’m either his girlfriend or nothing.
  11. I feel ready. I’ve experienced feeling like something was holding me back from sleeping with guys in the past and my gut was always right. In time, I realized that they were either cheating on me or using me. So I always make sure that I feel 100% ready to take the relationship to the next level and really trust the guy. If not, for whatever reason, I don’t go there.
  12. He’s got it bad. I might sound a bit old school here, but I really love sex that’s full of feeling. It’s so much better than getting nothing but physical bliss out of it. Sure, an orgasm is great but what’s so much greater is when a guy has real feelings for me and sex feels like we’re connecting on more than a physical level.
  13. He puts a label on it. When we’re out and about, he’s quick to introduce me to people as his girlfriend. He’s clear about this and doesn’t BS me by calling me by name or saying labels don’t matter. They do. If a guy can’t call me his girlfriend, he’s clearly not on board with our relationship. Sex is off the table and I’m out the door.
  14. He’s looking forward. I feel anxious and uncertain when I’m dating a guy who wants to have sex with me but isn’t actually acting like boyfriend material. For instance, if he never really focuses on our future, such as by making plans to go to that hot new restaurant next week or that opera in three months’ time. If he can’t see me in his future, he’s certainly never gonna see me in his bed!
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.